Cynical Jinx Review Polygamy, USA: The Priesthood Council

What a "fun" episode this was.

First, there was Centennial Park Mike reading this sermon how women who do not live the Principle of Plural Marriage will doom their daughters to live as harlots. Then there was Ezra nervously contemplating  having his non-plyg girlfriend  meet his parents.

And finally, there was the continuing saga of Hyrum - the longest serving missionary in Centennial Park. Will he finally graduate from his mission or will the Brethren condemn him to one more year because he can't be bothered to shave every morning?

Well, let's get started, shall we?

CP Mike thinking about how it rubs the lotion on it's skin...

There was something very creepy about CP Mike  reading that sermon about harlots to his small children as if it was a bedtime story.

Not only was it inappropriate for children, it was a nightmarish depiction of  what supposedly happens when a woman chooses monogamy. 

It was BRAINWASHING, plain and simple. Who uses the word harlot in the 21st century? And it didn't help that the book CP Mike was reading from sounded as if it was the collected sermons of Warren Jeffs?

Creepy!

But wait, the creepiness doesn't just end there. We get to see the Cawleys plan their grocery shopping for the week.

Now if you've seen this episode, you're already aware of the "applesauce" incident where poor 1st wife Rose had to tell her strong priesthood holder that they needed more applesauce.

The look of fear on Rose's face says it all.

As CP Mike bemoans, in that creepy monotone voice of his, about how expensive food supplies are and how he budgets $5-600 dollars each week, I'm thinking that figure is way too low.  I figure at least $200 for each adult, so that's over $800 when you factor in the teens. Later, when CP Mike tells us he paid about $900, I'm thinking, yeah, that sounds about right. Dude, you need to redo your budget!

Seriously, they could cut their grocery costs by economizing on some non-food items. Like, instead of buying disposable diapers, investing in cotton diapers. And maybe checking out the Duggar's website for some great instructions on making laundry soap. And how about growing vegetables and having some chickens in the backyard. It just seems so backwards to grind their own wheat but then spend money buying expensive, non reusable disposable diapers. There's a lot they could do to cut costs if they really wanted!

But back to the show. It's CP Mike's 2nd wife Connie's birthday and he takes her to a nice restaurant to celebrate. CP Mike is just...so...hopelessly....nerdy.

I just felt so sorry for Connie (who I think is CP Mike's favorite wife by the way) when he broke it to her that, not only could she not have just anything on the menu, she also had to go back to work.

Even though her words said she agreed with CP Mike's decision, her facial expressions clearly did not. And when she mentioned she didn't think her sisterwife Rose could handle being responsible for 9 kids every day, oh boy...that's the way to throw a sister wife under the bus, Connie! I mean, bonus daughter Rose Marie is 18 now. If she's old enough to be on the lookout for a husband, she should be able to help out her mother with the young kids, right?

Which leads us directly to Ezra, Uncle Art's ne'er do well, unmarried son. The way I see it, Ezra has a lot in common with his missionary positioned cousin Hyrum. They both like to wear facial hair. They both live at home, and they both possess those Hammon brows.

But where the two cousins part ways is the fact that Ezra has a girlfriend. When Ezra picks her up for a date, he gets out of the car and goes to her door. And most important, HE wants to marry her. Now before I continue, I must get something off my ample chest. Am I the only viewer who did not realize that Ezra's mother was only 43 years old?

We still have not met wife #3 yet, although I've heard rumors that she opted not to appear. Psst....I think old Uncle Art has more than 3 wives, too. What a virile stud he is!!

But I digress...

While Ezra was picking up Tiffany, his mothers (and sisters) were busy making dinner. As the family assembled around the table, it became apparent Ezra was running late. Seems that's another trait he shares with his cousin Hyrum. 

Uncle Art seemed nervous while waiting for Ezra to arrive. When Ezra finally showed up, Uncle Art ordered his family to be respectful and then asked Ezra to introduce Tiffany to the family.

Surprise, Surprise! Uncle Art was actually quite charming with Tiffany. He's not so scary after all she thinks. I'm thinking old Art is being nice because he figures if Tiffany smartens up she'll dump that lazy lug Ezra and marry him instead. But seriously, Uncle Art doesn't think Ezra's relationship with Tiffany will last because it's built on love. And love fades quickly, especially if the guy doesn't have a pot to you know what in.

Which leads us directly to Ezra's cousin Hyrum.

While Hyrum was dutifully sweeping the street and barking orders to his clean up crew, he gets a phone call from the Brethren Office.

Now if this had been the Housewives of Centennial Park, Hyrum would have answered the call on speakerphone. Unfortunately, it's not, so we only got to hear Hyrum's side of the conversation.


Luckily, Hyrum's fellow street sweeper was still standing nearby, so in typical reality show style he starts a conversation that will fill us (the audience) in on what that call was about.

Dude, you're getting married!
Dude, I don't think so...
Dude, how many times does the Brethren call you?
Dude, more times than I want to admit on camera...

Hey you two Dudes! How about sweeping that gutter with a little more gusto cuz I'm still seeing a lot of dirt and leaves. Hop to it or I'll throw my Louboutins at your lazy ass heads! Did I sound like Uncle Art? At least I didn't call them SOBs and sorry bastards but then again they aren't horses, are they?

Hyrum nervously rubbing the manly stubble on his face

Later, Hyrum moseyed on over to the Brethren Office, located in an unassuming building.

In another typical reality show scripted moment, Hyrum finds out his time as a missionary has finally come to an end. The conversation is stilted, and just weird with Hyrum smiling while nervously rubbing the thick manly stubble on his face.



No wonder the producers had the narrator explain that the "conversation" may seem obscure to outsiders.   Let's just hope Hyrum was a better missionary than an actor.

A few days later, Hyrum hits the jackpot. A young daughter of Zion has had a revelation she should be married to Hyrum. When she turned 18, she passed Hyrum's name to the Brethren, and now that Hyrum has been released from the missionary program, he finds out he's getting married!

But Hyrum does not look happy. In fact, he looks rather resigned. It became obvious Kellie was not one of the girl's he was expecting (ah....poor baby!) but rather than pout about it, he put on a semi-happy face. When we meet Kellie in the next scene, Hyrum was less than enthusiastic. And it really showed when Hyrum picked up Kellie for their "first date". Instead of walking up to her door, he just sat in his truck and she had to walk over to his truck and climb into it.

Now, when I was growing up, if a guy came to pick me up for a date and he honked his horn when he arrived, guess what? Yep, my Dad would not let me go out the door; that guy HAD to come to the door, and meet my Dad before taking me off on the date. Behavior like that is not only disrespectful to the girl, but to her family as well.

The Brethren made their decision, and Kellie, who apparently has been crushing on Hyrum since the 10th grade, gets to marry the man of her dreams after only 'courting' him after 14 days. This is how marriages are done in Centennial Park.

But I think Hyrum's optimistically  looking on the bright side. If  his first wife was fulfilling his duty to God, perhaps he can still find his true love in a future wife. Yep, I think I'm beginning to figure out the Centennial Park version of plural marriage. Accumulate wives until you find your true love, then accumulate some more.

It will be interesting to see how this saga between cousins Hyrum and Ezra will play out.