Friday, November 29, 2013

I Scour the Internet: The Black Friday Edition 11/28/13



Now that Thanksgiving Day has come and gone and the Christmas season is now upon us, I bet you all are wondering how the Brown's spent their Thanksgiving week, aren't you?

Well, let me tell you, you won't be disappointed.

I must say, though, that the Browns buying those four McMansions, each with it's own cavernous great room, makes seating a collective family of 21 family members (well 22 if you count the youthful Master Solomon) and assorted other family members and guests that much easier.

For goodness sakes, it looks like you could land a 747 on that table. But I'm left wondering why they chose to hold their first cul-de-sac Thanksgiving inside, instead of outside?

Enough wondering! Let's get to it, shall we?

Looks like Janelle knows how to spend Thanksgiving with her family unit, just like the rest of us!

Even Christine describes for us what makes for a happy Thanksgiving for her:

Yeah, I can understand Christine's enthusiasm for the male cloggers. Can you just imagine Kody klogging his way from one McMansion to the next,  with his Kodettes, klogging in place, waiting patiently for their turn at him?

You know, once the TLC gig ends, Kody and his Klogging Kodettes could work as klogging greeters at a Vegas hotel. But to be truthful, if I saw that motley krew klogging away in front of a hotel, I'd ask my driver to just keep driving, while I take candid photos of the finally working Brown klan. That should be worth something on Ebay, right?

But I digress...

I suppose to prove that a) he spends quality time with Hunter and b) he even grocery shops like every other husband on Thanksgiving Eve, Kody tweeted this:

Now am I the only one out in the real world that wonders why he didn't use the plural 'lists' so that cynics like me wouldn't think the list only came from one of his wives?

But it appears that at least 2 other of Kody's Kodettes prepared part of their Thanksgiving feast.

Meri tweeted:
And the wonderful and pure Robyn had to one up her sisterwives that her recipes were not only secret, they were smelly, too:

Of course, Robyn has to show off her recently found business acumen. Which might explain why she's often a day late and a dollar short when it comes to her holiday offerings in that "retail business" that she owns:
Well, you got to hand it to old Robyn;  it didn't take long for her to drive home the fact that the online store was her idea and belongs to her. I would think, however, she would have been smart enough not to alienate her "sister wives".

At least not on twitter...

So what did that long table look like?

From Janelle, we get a glimpse of how long the table was, and how BIG the Great Room of one of the McMansions is:
Of course, Kody provided a pic of mostly everyone seated at his table:
I was impressed...but I'm sure other reality show families (well, maybe not that Baby Hoo Haw family) could give the Browns a run for their reality show money.

Wait a minute, something is missing from this table (besides a couple of kids). WHERE'S THE GREEN COOLAID DRINK???? Or has it been replaced by the more 'natural' color orange drink?

And why does Logan look like he's channeling Zoolander?

And finally, let's not forget that Kody is a 'salesman'. See how he implores the customers of his mother's caramels to buy more and more!


That's all for now, and remember...

I Scour the Internet, so YOU don't Have to !!!















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Thursday, November 21, 2013

UPR: Growing up in Polygamy and Colorado City/ Activists for Polygamy: We are not Victims

Photo credit STORYCORPS/UTAH PUBLIC RADIO
Here's an interesting gem featuring Uncle Art Hammon...being interviewed by his brother Alma Hammon!

There isn't much of a resemblance between the two, except for those remarkable Hammon eyebrows!

Anyway, the article does provide a background story about life as a polygamist through the personal experiences of Art Hammon. There is also an accompanying five minute audio of the interview, too.


Here's the link: Utah Public Radio: Growing up in Polygamy and Colorado City



Photo credit STORYCORPS/UTAH PUBLIC RADIO
There's also an interview with Marlyne and Priscilla Hammon, who just happen to be sisters living the polygamous lifestyle.

Yes, they both share the same married name "Hammon" but unlike the Dargers, one sister is married to Art while the other is married to his brother Alma.

The sisters are both members of  CPAC (the Centennial Park Action Committee) and were seen recently on Polygamy, USA.



Here's the link: Activists for Polygamy: We are not Victims

Many thanks to The Principle - Politics R Us blog for this information!
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Monday, November 18, 2013

I Scour the Internet: The Pre-Thanksgiving Edition for 11/19/13

Hey Everybody!

I can't believe it's almost Thanksgiving (next Thursday), but it's also only a few more days until the premiere of TLC's newest polygamy centered reality show, Breaking the Faith.

Too bad I'm not feeling this show will be any different from the less than realistic (but apparently very popular) Breaking Amish reality show.

I mean, how can it be different when the show's executive producers AND the production company are responsible for not only foisting the original Breaking Amish show (and it's subsequent sojourns to Los Angeles and Sarasota FL) on cable viewers, but is also responsible for that  Amish Mafia reality show. Why break from tradition?

All right, I do admit I watched both Breaking Amish and a couple of episodes of the Amish Mafia show, but I swear it was only because nothing else was on, really! And besides, what can be more sexy than watching an Amish dude driving a Mercedes acting like he's some kind of benevolent  gangster Robin Hood?

But I digress...

Unfortunately, I don't foresee the FLDS version "breaking" the sad precedents set by Breaking Amish and Amish Mafia.

In fact, I think there will be a lot of recycling of former scripts from the Breaking Amish shows, except I'm gonna cry foul if there's a scene of the newly exited from FLDS cast members marveling at a cell phone, personal computer, or a Wal-Mart store. The FLDS members are fully acquainted with those items. Trust me.

Anyway, the show premieres Sunday, November 24th. The first episode is titled "Keep Sweet" and according to the guide description, the episode will be about the young women making a risky escape from their polygamous community. Funny, but as mentioned by fellow blogger at The Principle - Politics R Us, some of these women left the FLDS ages ago, so what's up with that?

Let's just keep our fingers crossed that next year TLC won't buy into a show called FLDS Mafia...


Okay, let's get back into a happy happy joy joy land with the latest tweets from our favorite polygamists, the Browns!

Now, I don't know what a Big Box Store is or what they sell (hopefully not Big Boxes) but it looks like Robyn is totally incensed.



Actually Robyn, I think for someone whose customers have resorted to leaving plaintive pleas for order assistance on your MSWC Facebook page, you have a lot of nerve questioning Big Box' customer service. Maybe the management at Big Box read the chapter from your book on how to deal with customers?

Ah....but a week earlier, Missy Robyn tweeted this, which can be seen as a foreshadowing of her hissy fit at Big Box...
Maybe you should have discussed this with a Big Box' manager instead of blasting your Twitter followers that the restrooms were a filthy mess. And you could always volunteer to clean the restrooms as a way of giving back to the community...know what I mean?

Next up, seems Meri is learning a new trade: Making edible leaves! YUMMY!!


Looks like there was a reason for Meri making those leaves. Seems the Browns hosted a party in their cul-de-sac...AND THEY DIDN'T EVEN INVITE ME!!!



I am crushed, I tell you. Absolutely, utterly CRUSHED!!!!

Even Aspyn rubbed it in, with this cute tweet picture of her sisters and a photobombing neighbor.


Now this next tweet from Kody was rather interesting...
I'm still trying to figure out what he's saying, but I think it may have been something political. That's a first...

But leave it to Kody to take time to bond with one of his teens...even if it is on the roof.

And on that note...

Everyone have a safe and wonderful Thanksgiving! And remember, I Scour the Internet, so YOU don't have to!!!














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Friday, November 8, 2013

I Scour the Internet for November 8, 2013



All right, Okay, I admit it...

I was slumming over at the Official (and blue check verified) TLC Sister Wives Facebook page when I noticed, front and center, a blurb (is that a word?) advertising TLC's newest reality show about Polygamy - Breaking the Faith (premiering November 24th).

First of all, I'm still amazed how TLC treats Sister Wives like it was some third rate reality show. I mean, really TLC, you couldn't just set up a separate fan page for Breaking the Faith (did I mention it was premiering November 24? That's in 16 days you know).

Oh darn it. Sister Wives IS a third rate reality show...my bad!

Anyway, here's the "Official" TLC Sneak Preview video for your viewing enjoyment.






Now, is it just me, or do those escapees from the bad old FLDS seem...somewhat worldly? The women's hair doesn't look high enough. And that "getaway" from the God Squad scene looked absolutely phony.

I'm getting vibes that this show will be a hybrid mix of Breaking Amish, Amish Mafia, and the mother of all re-enactment reality shows - America's Most Wanted.

And if this is any indication of the reception this new show will receive, a few comments asked TLC to bring back Sister Wives saying they do not want to watch Breaking the Faith.

OUCH!

We will find out very soon how the new show fares. To those asking when will Sister Wives be returning, hey, your guess is as good as mine, and TLC is ignoring all questions...as usual.

On the subject of Sister Wives, I saw this tweet Robyn made just before Halloween:



Why would you want show off that much of your body, indeed.

It seems Robyn's got some memory lost - maybe these pictures from previous seasons will help to refresh her dormant memory brain cells.







Remember, Modest is Hottest!!!













And finally, looks like the Browns are selling some new snuff, I mean stuff that gives you energy!

Funny, it looks just like that snuff tin my great-grandmother used.




So the question is...do you sniff it off the back of your hand, or do you eat it?

Thanks but no thanks. I'll get my energy jolt the old fashion way...anybody want some Starbucks?


Till next time, remember I Scour the Internet, so you won't have to!!



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Friday, November 1, 2013

Hey It's the Hyrum Awards!

Welcome to my first annual Hyrum Awards for Outstanding Achievements in Polygamy Reality Show Programming!

Well, OK, maybe not so outstanding, and the use the of the word achievement is stretching things a bit, but if you wasted...I mean watched the polygamy reality shows offered by TLC and NatGeo the last 12 months or so, SOMEBODY deserved an award. Right?

So let's get on with it, shall we?

My first category is: Best Polygamist Grooming. This award is given to the polygamist woman who thinks outside of the box (and the limits of her credit card) so that her hair is always perfectly coiffed, her nails perfectly manicured, and her makeup perfectly applied so it never runs, no matter how many gallons of tears she appears to shed.

This Hyrum Award goes to the lady who not only can push her ex-husband under the proverbial bus at the drop of her well made up eyelids, but who can simultaneously cry like a baby while hissing  the word 'sweetie' when she feels threatened. A woman who has put all monogamist women on notice that while two may be company, when you need someone to take care of your children or husband, nothing beats a sisterwife or two, or three...A woman whose purity/chastity was restored by the love of the "right" man, i.e., a man with the means to give her a McMansion - instead of a double wide.


ROBYN BROWN, come on down and pick up your Hyrum! And while you're down here, can you clean up those broken pieces of your purity you left on the floor in the other room? Thank you.


My next category is for the Best Example of a Responsible Polygamist Husband. Now, there were a lot of contenders, but I narrowed the field by using the criteria of a married man with more than one wife who doesn't have to tweet he MAKES$$ when questioned how he can afford 4 McMansions in a gated cul-de-sac (sorry Kody).

This Hyrum Award goes to the man who maintains full control of his household and finances, who checks his grocery list on his mobile, while giving the "eye" to his wife when she tells him they are out of applesauce... again. A man who deftly not only told his 2nd wife at her birthday dinner that she couldn't order the most expensive item on the menu, but that she would also need to go back to work... NOW.

How about a nice glass of ice water for your birthday?

MICHAEL CAWLEY, come get your Hyrum before first wife Rose sells it to finance the next set of Chinese shipping containers to house your growing family!


This category is near and dear to all who like a sip or two of a nice Chianti (goes well with fava beans I hear) at dinner, and as you know, a celebratory toast can make or break the mood, real fast.

The Hyrum Award for Best Dinner Toast goes to a man who not only made a toast to his second wife, he embarrassed said wife and everyone at the table by bringing to attention the fact the poor girl was old enough to have recently given birth, but not yet old enough to drink.

'STAN', come on down and get your Hyrum, you  polygamist stud muffin you!



The next award is for the Most Romantic Post Marriage Ceremony - Pre Marriage Consummation speech ever uttered by man who just happened to be a Polygamist to his first wife.

Wait, here's a transcript of that beautiful speech. Get out your hankies!



HYRUM: I'm here to present a romantic gesture to Kellie and kind of welcome her into my life.

It's a tree, it represents the tree of life and, you know, the many experiences that we'll go through, and, that are in store for us.

And I have, uh, kind of made some promises here and they're symbolized, uh, in these different objects on this tree.

Uh, first of all I would like to promise you that I will honor the Priesthood that sealed us together and that's what uh that's what this lamp represents, the light of the Priesthood and without it we would be lost in darkness. Right?

KELLIE: Yep, that's creative.

HYRUM: And then, uh, I have a picture frame here, it doesn't have any faces in it, yet. But, it's going to, right, some day.

KELLIE: Yep.

HYRUM: And I promise, that, I will love our children and turn their hearts to the Lord. I also have a bowl of fruit that represents sustenance and the things we'll need in life and the things that I need to you, uh, food and clothing and all the things that you need to...(long pause)

KELLIE: - to live.

HYRUM: To live. There's a bunch of bands tied around the tree that represent you know our ties to one another.

And we are one flesh now.

And, I also want you to know that as long as your hand's in mine, I'll do all in my power to take care of you.

And to help you get back, you know, to your Father in heaven.

And, so, it doesn't matter what happens but, I will love you far beyond, you know, the rotting, you know, of our bodies and we're into dust and we're wandering the eternities.

My love is forever.

KELLIE: I love you.

HYRUM: I love you, too. Here.

I'm sorry...I'm just so overcome with emotion...But right now I'm just trying to get the image of  rotting corpses wandering the eternities like the zombies in  Night of the Living Dead. Or Shaun of the Dead, or maybe World War Z (nah...those zombies moved too fast to be wandering) out of my head!

HYRUM "BURTON ", you know you deserve this! Hurry up and get this award before ABC's The Bachelor steals it from you! Or the story writers for Sister Wives (for that re-commitment ceremony they keep threatening viewers with).

Hey, does anyone have some brain bleach I can use?



This next category was truly a no-brainer. For the category of Best Cook in a Polygamy Reality Show, this young lady won hands down. Not only could this teen have a full scale nuclear meltdown on reality television, she burned the Mother's Day crepes, too.

 
 
MARIAH BROWN, come on down and accept your Hyrum award! Now, you can take "Hyrum" home with you. Who knows, maybe he's already looking for his second!



You know, it's not easy being a polygamist woman. So many chores to do - keeping the house clean, taking care of small children, not to mention being the role model for your daughters to look up to and emulate.

One sister wife stands out from the crowd. Not only can she pump out those babies, but she can watch them, take care of her husband's needs while being thankful that she has sister wives to ease her burden of having sex with her husband...while realizing that although she didn't love her husband when they first married, she grew to love him eventually...maybe...

This lady is smart enough to know her place, and even when tied down each day with 9 toddlers under the age of 5 to take care of, she can still keep control AND keep the house spotlessly clean.

ROSE CAWLEY...you come on down and pick up your well earn Hyrum Award for  Plural Wife of the Year! Please don't hock it for applesauce, OK?


Finally, we come to the last award. This award goes to the man who epitomizes the perfect (well, OK, maybe sort of perfect) polygamist man.

He's gruff. He's tough. He can smooze you around town talking about how normal his community is while simultaneously sending a definite signal for outsiders to "Keep Away and Mind Your Own Damn Business".

This man not only tongue whips his teenage son, he will curse out his horses too. And he throws a mean nasty boot at the heads of  disrespecting missionaries he's mentoring when necessary (or if it makes for good TV).

You know who's getting this award. Come on down UNCLE ART HAMMON! You deserve this Hyrum Award for a job well done!


Now for some honorable mentions for events that either occurred outside of a reality series, or a pilot show that wasn't picked up for a series.


The It Was So Awful It Was Funny Hyrum Award For Fashion goes to....



MERI BROWN...who tweeted this picture of herself wearing a form fitting turquoise bandage dress out in public to her adoring fans.


Meri, we're still embarrassed for you, so you don't have to come down to get your award, we'll just send it to ya!





Last but not least, we have the Hyrum Award for the Best Hair Challenged Polygamist Man.

No question about it, this award goes to that bald polygamist man...JOE DARGER!

Come on down and get your just desserts...I mean Hyrum Award!






That's all for the Hyrum Awards 2013! See ya'll next year for the 2014 Hyrum Awards!
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