Hey It's the Hyrum Awards!

Welcome to my first annual Hyrum Awards for Outstanding Achievements in Polygamy Reality Show Programming!

Well, OK, maybe not so outstanding, and the use the of the word achievement is stretching things a bit, but if you wasted...I mean watched the polygamy reality shows offered by TLC and NatGeo the last 12 months or so, SOMEBODY deserved an award. Right?

So let's get on with it, shall we?

My first category is: Best Polygamist Grooming. This award is given to the polygamist woman who thinks outside of the box (and the limits of her credit card) so that her hair is always perfectly coiffed, her nails perfectly manicured, and her makeup perfectly applied so it never runs, no matter how many gallons of tears she appears to shed.

This Hyrum Award goes to the lady who not only can push her ex-husband under the proverbial bus at the drop of her well made up eyelids, but who can simultaneously cry like a baby while hissing  the word 'sweetie' when she feels threatened. A woman who has put all monogamist women on notice that while two may be company, when you need someone to take care of your children or husband, nothing beats a sisterwife or two, or three...A woman whose purity/chastity was restored by the love of the "right" man, i.e., a man with the means to give her a McMansion - instead of a double wide.


ROBYN BROWN, come on down and pick up your Hyrum! And while you're down here, can you clean up those broken pieces of your purity you left on the floor in the other room? Thank you.


My next category is for the Best Example of a Responsible Polygamist Husband. Now, there were a lot of contenders, but I narrowed the field by using the criteria of a married man with more than one wife who doesn't have to tweet he MAKES$$ when questioned how he can afford 4 McMansions in a gated cul-de-sac (sorry Kody).

This Hyrum Award goes to the man who maintains full control of his household and finances, who checks his grocery list on his mobile, while giving the "eye" to his wife when she tells him they are out of applesauce... again. A man who deftly not only told his 2nd wife at her birthday dinner that she couldn't order the most expensive item on the menu, but that she would also need to go back to work... NOW.

How about a nice glass of ice water for your birthday?

MICHAEL CAWLEY, come get your Hyrum before first wife Rose sells it to finance the next set of Chinese shipping containers to house your growing family!


This category is near and dear to all who like a sip or two of a nice Chianti (goes well with fava beans I hear) at dinner, and as you know, a celebratory toast can make or break the mood, real fast.

The Hyrum Award for Best Dinner Toast goes to a man who not only made a toast to his second wife, he embarrassed said wife and everyone at the table by bringing to attention the fact the poor girl was old enough to have recently given birth, but not yet old enough to drink.

'STAN', come on down and get your Hyrum, you  polygamist stud muffin you!

The next award is for the Most Romantic Post Marriage Ceremony - Pre Marriage Consummation speech ever uttered by man who just happened to be a Polygamist to his first wife.

Wait, here's a transcript of that beautiful speech. Get out your hankies!

HYRUM: I'm here to present a romantic gesture to Kellie and kind of welcome her into my life.

It's a tree, it represents the tree of life and, you know, the many experiences that we'll go through, and, that are in store for us.

And I have, uh, kind of made some promises here and they're symbolized, uh, in these different objects on this tree.

Uh, first of all I would like to promise you that I will honor the Priesthood that sealed us together and that's what uh that's what this lamp represents, the light of the Priesthood and without it we would be lost in darkness. Right?

KELLIE: Yep, that's creative.

HYRUM: And then, uh, I have a picture frame here, it doesn't have any faces in it, yet. But, it's going to, right, some day.

KELLIE: Yep.

HYRUM: And I promise, that, I will love our children and turn their hearts to the Lord. I also have a bowl of fruit that represents sustenance and the things we'll need in life and the things that I need to you, uh, food and clothing and all the things that you need to...(long pause)

KELLIE: - to live.

HYRUM: To live. There's a bunch of bands tied around the tree that represent you know our ties to one another.

And we are one flesh now.

And, I also want you to know that as long as your hand's in mine, I'll do all in my power to take care of you.

And to help you get back, you know, to your Father in heaven.

And, so, it doesn't matter what happens but, I will love you far beyond, you know, the rotting, you know, of our bodies and we're into dust and we're wandering the eternities.

My love is forever.

KELLIE: I love you.

HYRUM: I love you, too. Here.

I'm sorry...I'm just so overcome with emotion...But right now I'm just trying to get the image of  rotting corpses wandering the eternities like the zombies in  Night of the Living Dead. Or Shaun of the Dead, or maybe World War Z (nah...those zombies moved too fast to be wandering) out of my head!

HYRUM "BURTON ", you know you deserve this! Hurry up and get this award before ABC's The Bachelor steals it from you! Or the story writers for Sister Wives (for that re-commitment ceremony they keep threatening viewers with).

Hey, does anyone have some brain bleach I can use?

This next category was truly a no-brainer. For the category of Best Cook in a Polygamy Reality Show, this young lady won hands down. Not only could this teen have a full scale nuclear meltdown on reality television, she burned the Mother's Day crepes, too.

 

 

MARIAH BROWN, come on down and accept your Hyrum award! Now, you can take "Hyrum" home with you. Who knows, maybe he's already looking for his second!

You know, it's not easy being a polygamist woman. So many chores to do - keeping the house clean, taking care of small children, not to mention being the role model for your daughters to look up to and emulate.

One sister wife stands out from the crowd. Not only can she pump out those babies, but she can watch them, take care of her husband's needs while being thankful that she has sister wives to ease her burden of having sex with her husband...while realizing that although she didn't love her husband when they first married, she grew to love him eventually...maybe...

This lady is smart enough to know her place, and even when tied down each day with 9 toddlers under the age of 5 to take care of, she can still keep control AND keep the house spotlessly clean.

ROSE CAWLEY...you come on down and pick up your well earn Hyrum Award for  Plural Wife of the Year! Please don't hock it for applesauce, OK?


Finally, we come to the last award. This award goes to the man who epitomizes the perfect (well, OK, maybe sort of perfect) polygamist man.

He's gruff. He's tough. He can smooze you around town talking about how normal his community is while simultaneously sending a definite signal for outsiders to "Keep Away and Mind Your Own Damn Business".

This man not only tongue whips his teenage son, he will curse out his horses too. And he throws a mean nasty boot at the heads of  disrespecting missionaries he's mentoring when necessary (or if it makes for good TV).

You know who's getting this award. Come on down UNCLE ART HAMMON! You deserve this Hyrum Award for a job well done!


Now for some honorable mentions for events that either occurred outside of a reality series, or a pilot show that wasn't picked up for a series.

The It Was So Awful It Was Funny Hyrum Award For Fashion goes to....



MERI BROWN...who tweeted this picture of herself wearing a form fitting turquoise bandage dress out in public to her adoring fans.


Meri, we're still embarrassed for you, so you don't have to come down to get your award, we'll just send it to ya!

Last but not least, we have the Hyrum Award for the Best Hair Challenged Polygamist Man.

No question about it, this award goes to that bald polygamist man...JOE DARGER!

Come on down and get your just desserts...I mean Hyrum Award!

That's all for the Hyrum Awards 2013! See ya'll next year for the 2014 Hyrum Awards!