Flashback three years ago, the Lehi season. Pre-Vegas move. Pre-Robyn marriage. Kody was a shaggy-haired dude who drove a Lexus sportscar, and had a job. He even wore a business suit with a tie.
Flashforward to 8 months ago. This is the "current" time period for this season of Sister Wives. In Vegas for two years, a shaggy-haired, sandal wearing, disheveled Kody has plunked his four wives and 17 children into four massive McMansions, located in a semi-secluded gated cul-de-sac.
But it wouldn't be a Sister Wives episode without some totally unnecessary suspense, so the story line is...even though their credit is kind of shaky (with Robyn's credit being the shakiest of all according to the credit repair guy featured on the show last season) they mysteriously have all qualified for mortgages - almost $2 million dollars worth surprisingly enough.
But here's the problem. Because Meri and Kody did not submit their paperwork in time, only Janelle, Robyn and Christine will be moving into the cul-de-sac by Christmas. OOPPSIES!!!! Anyway, this week's episode chronicles the move of three wives, a late Christmas celebration, two cheating wives, one wife learning that karma can be a bitch and a spoiled child whose meltdown was not only over-dramatic but could burn crepes, too.
Oh yeah, and a Christmas Surprise from Robyn.
Let's begin, shall we?
It is moving day for the wives. Surprisingly, every one helps out, including Robyn. Somehow I always thought she would have some excuse not to do manual labor, for instance, moving boxes would ruin her manicure or she needed to be available to feed Sol or something. But no, there she was front and center, helping out with all the rest.
Of course, the Browns just have to mention the FLDS and Warren Jeffs. Really, we already know the Browns are AUB (even though they don't mention it) with no affiliation to FLDS. Kind of reminds me of the CPAC lady from Polygamy, USA who was so vocal that they were never part of the FLDS. I guess fundamentalist Mormons are a bit touchy about these things.
But when Kody announced in a couch interview that the cul-de-sac, with its gated entry and high block fence looked like a compound, Christine had a fit. "Don't say that!" she yelled at him during the couch interview. Even Janelle agreed, it does look like a polygamist compound.
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| The outer wall of the cul-de-sac |
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| FLDS Compound in Colorado City |
Oh, and by the way Christine... from Merriam-Webster Dictionary
Definition of COMPOUND
: a fenced or walled-in area containing a group of buildings and especially residences
For example, the Kennedy Family Compound on Martha's Vineyard, or perhaps the Vanderbilt or Rockefeller Compounds. How about the George HW Bush Compound in Kennebunkport?
So I guess being stereotyped as living in a compound can be a positive. You're in good company with people who own real mansions. I rest my case.
Christine gets a double Uncle Art Raspie for being an insufferable twit about the word compound and Kody gets a Raspie for bringing it up in the first place. Christine needs to build a bridge and get over it. Sheesh.
Back to Sister Wives.
Mariah's Meltdown or It Smells Like Teen Angst Just Burnt the Crepes!
Come on everyone. You're seventeen years old, you're not an adult but you want to be, while at the same time you're scared to death of leaving the relative security of home, family and high school in a few short months for college. Add to that mixture your parents are polygamists AND you're living in a monogamist society far away from your Church and other families just like yours. Plus you have a mother who doesn't keep promises, and a father who acts like he's a kewl surfer dude but you know he's just a poseur. I bet you would have a bit of a meltdown, too.
I'll make this short, yet ever so sweet. Mariah, like many teens her age, feels that it's not right and not fair that her mother, her dad's legal wife, has not been approved for her house yet. In her own words, she is pissed. Teen angst personified.
Some of her best scenes:
Here's Mariah sitting in her car like a zombie, ignoring her mother except to emphatically scream "I'm Pissed!" at the appropriate time.
Here's Mariah channeling Bette Davis (Joan Crawford was busy) for inspiration. Bette used this same look in Hush Hush Sweet Charlotte, just before killing her cousin and a family friend with a huge clay flower pot while they drank champagne below her on the porch.
In this scene with her Dad, Mariah practices the look Bette used in Whatever Happened to Baby Jane, just before she brought her sister Blanche a wholesome lunch of grilled parakeet on tomato slices. Notice the quivering lips.
Last, the piece de resistance. Mariah's crepes she allowed to smolder slowly into a burnt mess. Death by sterno. What a horrible way to go!
It's January 2nd, the day the Browns celebrated Christmas. Lovely Savanah waits patiently for the rest of her extensive family to wake up. Lucky for her, Meri was up, so they ran hand in hand to each wife's house to wake everybody up so they could open their presents.
Robyn gave Kody a gift that he says, shocked and awed him. Sorry Kody. Just because you used a phrase coined by former President Bush (the elder), you will not be invited to stay at his Kennebunkport compound.
But being shocked and awed doesn't stop Kody from giving his annual God Wanted Us to Live in McMansions speech. Notice how his family have become mesmerized by the dulcet tones of his voice. Meri does not look amused. She's thinking "Will I ever get to move into my McMansion?"
The Caramel Caper
About a week earlier, Kody announced to his wives that his mother would not be making her Christmas Day caramels. In typical Kody fashion (no doubt scripted by F8F), Kody grandly announces he will hold a contest. The wife who prepares a batch of caramel that tastes most like his mother's, wins.
What the wife wins, I have no clue. The wives didn't either, and did not look very happy.
Janelle lucked out in that her mother Sheryl was staying with her. Since Sheryl is Kody's mother's sister wife, Janelle figured she had the win for sure.
Christine, on the other hand, was working alone. As the more accomplished cook in the family, she went through 5 batches before deciding on the perfect one to present to Kody for his consideration.
Robyn and Meri worked as a team. They decided to take the easy way out by going to a shop and buying out their stash of caramels. After smooshing them up to look homemade, they presented their caramels for Kody to taste.
Is this sounding a lot like the Goldilocks and the Three Bears?
Kody tasted the first batch.
Sorry Janelle, but it didn't taste like his mother's.
Kody tasted the second batch.
Sorry Meri and Robyn. Cheaters never win. Kody could taste the amaretto.
Kody tasted the third batch...Ahhhh... this was like his mother's.
Congrats Christine! Don't know what you won but I hope you like it!
Meri Finally Gets Her Key (In Pictures )
Good News for Meri! Mona drops by and leaves her the keys to her McMansion!
A happy Meri and Kody drive to Mariah's job to present her with her own key to the McMansion!
A happy Mariah fondles her key while giggling hysterically. I'm not sure if she was genuinely happy to finally get her key, or she was just embarrassed by that thing she had wrapped around her neck. In any event, her boss worked her shift and Mariah was free to go home and celebrate with her mom and dad in their new McMansion.
That's all for now!
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