Cynical Jinx Review Sister Wives S06 Ep06: Robyn's Secret

What the hell was Robyn thinking?

Robyn feeling "vulnerable"

What the hell was Kody thinking?
What the HELL was TLC thinking?

There. I got that off my ample chest.

Before I start my abbreviated review (in homage to the 22 minute runtime of last Sunday's episode), I want to take everyone on a Sister Wive's inspired flashback of Robyn and her "chastity". You know, the purity that keeps on rejuvenating itself.

Here's Christine in the hospital, calling Kody to let him know her water just broke and to get to the hospital ASAP. Remember that Robyn and Kody are still in the "courting" phase of their relationship.

Here's Robyn with Kody in her rented Lehi house,  as he gets the phone call from Christine that she's about to give birth.

Notice how Robyn runs after Kody as he dramatically leaves her rental house for the hospital.

 
See how she slams her door shut on the cameraman, but forgets the mikes she and Kody wears are "hot".

Unfortunately, I can't play the audio for you, but it consists of a lot of giggles from Kody and Robyn and what sounds like slurpy kisses.





As the cameraman opens the door, we see Kody  grabbing Robyn and saying those immortal words "You caught me kissing my girlfriend while my wife is in labor" or words to that effect.





He then lays a big juicy kiss on her lips. Again, apparently for the benefit of the cameraman. We find out later that, in their religion, courting couples are not allowed to kiss until they are married. At least according to Christine, that's how it should be done. And she was born and raised in polygamy. Just an example of Chastity and Purity, Kody and Robyn style.



And as we will soon find out, this has not been Robyn's first time at the "rodeo", if you know what I mean...



 
 
 
But first, let's talk about the Church of Kody. Now that the Browns have moved into their brand new McMansions, Kody has decided it was time to showcase one of his Sunday sermons. It's painfully obvious how seldom Kody holds services. Everyone looked bored. The boys had their feet on the furniture while they gazed mindlessly into their cellphones.

That Kody had to repeatedly tell his children to pay attention to him drove home the realization this guy is not a compelling public speaker.

In fact, my mind kept wandering to Michael Cawley, of Polygamy, USA. He certainly didn't have to tell his children to keep their feet off the furniture, or to pay attention and not check out social media while he was sermonizing.

But there was one thing dead on similar between the two fundamentalists: their choice of topic. For Cawley, it was a discussion of how women in monogamy were condemning their daughters to be harlots in the streets. For Kody, it was asking his fourth wife Robyn to talk about a time in her life when she actually WAS a monogamist harlot, married to a man from a  "well regarded" polygamist family.

Small polygamist world, isn't it?

Here's a summary of Robyn's testimony.

A random man begged Robyn for her purity, which she gladly gave him. When he later broke her heart, (symbolized by Robyn taking what looked like a metal heart tied with ribbon and ceremoniously dumping it onto the poop colored carpeting)  she was distraught. But never fear. Her Knight in shiny Kody armour arrived and showed her true love. Her purity was rejuvenated and she and her 3 children from her previous marriage lived happily ever after in a big McMansion in Las Vegas.

Here is where I have to call out Robyn on her BS story. Yes, you that read it correctly.

You see, Robyn continued her little sermon by saying a tenet of her faith was that men and women have to be chaste before marriage. That was her message to the teenage Browns. But wait, let's go back to my flashback earlier. According to Christine, her religion's idea of chastity extends to no kissing between a man and woman who is not his WIFE. But lo and behold, that's not what happened with Kody and Robyn. They were sucking face (and Lord knows what else) long before they ever got married.

Robyn looking contrite when Kody spilt the beans about her dress

Is it just me seeing a pattern of behavior here? And who believes she talked about her lack of sexual restraint to Kody and wives prior to their courting?

Look, we're talking the same woman who thought her future sisterwives didn't need to know she asked Kody to choose her wedding dress - and blamed Kody for opening his mouth saying he should have just kept it shut.


So I suppose we can chalk this up to that old saying...Do as I say, Not as I do. Which is convenient because it turns out her big secret was...she got pregnant before marriage.

Unfortunately, due to her limited communication skills, her message kind of came out screwy. Luckily, through the miracle of social media, we can kind of see what she meant. 

Well, at least we can see her backpedaling her way through the crap she caused by haphazardly telling millions of viewers worldwide about something that should have remained private within her family.

 But wait, seven minutes later you say you regret your children weren't sired by Kody. I am sooooo confused!!!

I'm going to call this the Kody is My Soul Mate Theory, which would explain how her 3 existing children would be miraculously transformed into Kody Brown offspring by having his Brown DNA destroying the Jessop DNA from their bodies. Of course, they will look different, but that's beside the point.

Anyway. as proof of  how successful her sermon in the McMansion was, her favorite bonus child Hunter  said "... Honestly, I don't think there's something wrong with [having premarital sex] if you're in a committed relationship with someone you actually love." Perhaps he has formed that opinion from seeing his mother in a committed relationship with a married man. Hmmmm.....



Taking yet another cue from HBO's Big Love, Kody decides he wants to bury a time capsule in their compound's backyard. Of course, the children put in toys, and pictures. I think Savanah's was the most meaningful - a picture of her house being built. Some of the other children opted to place toys, perhaps not understanding that by the time they would see that toy again, they would be sophomores in high school.

I couldn't help but giggle at Meri's items. It was a  necklace from MSWC and a "thank you for shopping at MSWC" photo, sitting on top of what could be all those backordered items customers were complaining about. Well, that's one way to get rid of them, right?

Let's just hope they remember where Kody dug that hole and not cover it with tons of concrete when they put in a sidewalk or something between Meri's and Robyn's McMansions.






Okay, just some odds and ends I noticed from this episode.

 

Robyn did say she left home for Montana when she was nineteen, but she didn't say she got married at nineteen. Which means she had a prolonged period of unchasteness and should have been burned at the stake. Or at least used some form of birth control. Like abstinence, for example. Oh wait, he BEGGED for it. Never mind.

 

I'm not feeling the love between the Browns and their production company any more. For example, in the above scene, the voice over was Robyn talking about her purity issues (or lack thereof). At first the scene was compelling - Meri appeared to be consoling a distraught Mariah by rubbing her back, and Ysabel looked like she was about to cry. The only problem is, look who's in the lower right hand corner of the frame. Why it's Robyn!  You know, if Robyn's talking at the front of the room, how can she simultaneously be seated in the audience? Couldn't the production company's editor find some other film clip to use?

Oh wait, we're talking Robyn, so anything is possible, right?