Hey It's the Hyrum Awards!

Welcome to my first annual Hyrum Awards for Outstanding Achievements in Polygamy Reality Show Programming!

Well, OK, maybe not so outstanding, and the use the of the word achievement is stretching things a bit, but if you wasted...I mean watched the polygamy reality shows offered by TLC and NatGeo the last 12 months or so, SOMEBODY deserved an award. Right?

So let's get on with it, shall we?

My first category is: Best Polygamist Grooming. This award is given to the polygamist woman who thinks outside of the box (and the limits of her credit card) so that her hair is always perfectly coiffed, her nails perfectly manicured, and her makeup perfectly applied so it never runs, no matter how many gallons of tears she appears to shed.

This Hyrum Award goes to the lady who not only can push her ex-husband under the proverbial bus at the drop of her well made up eyelids, but who can simultaneously cry like a baby while hissing  the word 'sweetie' when she feels threatened. A woman who has put all monogamist women on notice that while two may be company, when you need someone to take care of your children or husband, nothing beats a sisterwife or two, or three...A woman whose purity/chastity was restored by the love of the "right" man, i.e., a man with the means to give her a McMansion - instead of a double wide.


ROBYN BROWN, come on down and pick up your Hyrum! And while you're down here, can you clean up those broken pieces of your purity you left on the floor in the other room? Thank you.


My next category is for the Best Example of a Responsible Polygamist Husband. Now, there were a lot of contenders, but I narrowed the field by using the criteria of a married man with more than one wife who doesn't have to tweet he MAKES$$ when questioned how he can afford 4 McMansions in a gated cul-de-sac (sorry Kody).

This Hyrum Award goes to the man who maintains full control of his household and finances, who checks his grocery list on his mobile, while giving the "eye" to his wife when she tells him they are out of applesauce... again. A man who deftly not only told his 2nd wife at her birthday dinner that she couldn't order the most expensive item on the menu, but that she would also need to go back to work... NOW.

How about a nice glass of ice water for your birthday?

MICHAEL CAWLEY, come get your Hyrum before first wife Rose sells it to finance the next set of Chinese shipping containers to house your growing family!


This category is near and dear to all who like a sip or two of a nice Chianti (goes well with fava beans I hear) at dinner, and as you know, a celebratory toast can make or break the mood, real fast.

The Hyrum Award for Best Dinner Toast goes to a man who not only made a toast to his second wife, he embarrassed said wife and everyone at the table by bringing to attention the fact the poor girl was old enough to have recently given birth, but not yet old enough to drink.

'STAN', come on down and get your Hyrum, you  polygamist stud muffin you!

The next award is for the Most Romantic Post Marriage Ceremony - Pre Marriage Consummation speech ever uttered by man who just happened to be a Polygamist to his first wife.

Wait, here's a transcript of that beautiful speech. Get out your hankies!

HYRUM: I'm here to present a romantic gesture to Kellie and kind of welcome her into my life.

It's a tree, it represents the tree of life and, you know, the many experiences that we'll go through, and, that are in store for us.

And I have, uh, kind of made some promises here and they're symbolized, uh, in these different objects on this tree.

Uh, first of all I would like to promise you that I will honor the Priesthood that sealed us together and that's what uh that's what this lamp represents, the light of the Priesthood and without it we would be lost in darkness. Right?

KELLIE: Yep, that's creative.

HYRUM: And then, uh, I have a picture frame here, it doesn't have any faces in it, yet. But, it's going to, right, some day.

KELLIE: Yep.

HYRUM: And I promise, that, I will love our children and turn their hearts to the Lord. I also have a bowl of fruit that represents sustenance and the things we'll need in life and the things that I need to you, uh, food and clothing and all the things that you need to...(long pause)

KELLIE: - to live.

HYRUM: To live. There's a bunch of bands tied around the tree that represent you know our ties to one another.

And we are one flesh now.

And, I also want you to know that as long as your hand's in mine, I'll do all in my power to take care of you.

And to help you get back, you know, to your Father in heaven.

And, so, it doesn't matter what happens but, I will love you far beyond, you know, the rotting, you know, of our bodies and we're into dust and we're wandering the eternities.

My love is forever.

KELLIE: I love you.

HYRUM: I love you, too. Here.

I'm sorry...I'm just so overcome with emotion...But right now I'm just trying to get the image of  rotting corpses wandering the eternities like the zombies in  Night of the Living Dead. Or Shaun of the Dead, or maybe World War Z (nah...those zombies moved too fast to be wandering) out of my head!

HYRUM "BURTON ", you know you deserve this! Hurry up and get this award before ABC's The Bachelor steals it from you! Or the story writers for Sister Wives (for that re-commitment ceremony they keep threatening viewers with).

Hey, does anyone have some brain bleach I can use?

This next category was truly a no-brainer. For the category of Best Cook in a Polygamy Reality Show, this young lady won hands down. Not only could this teen have a full scale nuclear meltdown on reality television, she burned the Mother's Day crepes, too.

 

 

MARIAH BROWN, come on down and accept your Hyrum award! Now, you can take "Hyrum" home with you. Who knows, maybe he's already looking for his second!

You know, it's not easy being a polygamist woman. So many chores to do - keeping the house clean, taking care of small children, not to mention being the role model for your daughters to look up to and emulate.

One sister wife stands out from the crowd. Not only can she pump out those babies, but she can watch them, take care of her husband's needs while being thankful that she has sister wives to ease her burden of having sex with her husband...while realizing that although she didn't love her husband when they first married, she grew to love him eventually...maybe...

This lady is smart enough to know her place, and even when tied down each day with 9 toddlers under the age of 5 to take care of, she can still keep control AND keep the house spotlessly clean.

ROSE CAWLEY...you come on down and pick up your well earn Hyrum Award for  Plural Wife of the Year! Please don't hock it for applesauce, OK?


Finally, we come to the last award. This award goes to the man who epitomizes the perfect (well, OK, maybe sort of perfect) polygamist man.

He's gruff. He's tough. He can smooze you around town talking about how normal his community is while simultaneously sending a definite signal for outsiders to "Keep Away and Mind Your Own Damn Business".

This man not only tongue whips his teenage son, he will curse out his horses too. And he throws a mean nasty boot at the heads of  disrespecting missionaries he's mentoring when necessary (or if it makes for good TV).

You know who's getting this award. Come on down UNCLE ART HAMMON! You deserve this Hyrum Award for a job well done!


Now for some honorable mentions for events that either occurred outside of a reality series, or a pilot show that wasn't picked up for a series.

The It Was So Awful It Was Funny Hyrum Award For Fashion goes to....



MERI BROWN...who tweeted this picture of herself wearing a form fitting turquoise bandage dress out in public to her adoring fans.


Meri, we're still embarrassed for you, so you don't have to come down to get your award, we'll just send it to ya!

Last but not least, we have the Hyrum Award for the Best Hair Challenged Polygamist Man.

No question about it, this award goes to that bald polygamist man...JOE DARGER!

Come on down and get your just desserts...I mean Hyrum Award!

That's all for the Hyrum Awards 2013! See ya'll next year for the 2014 Hyrum Awards!

Review Sister Wives S06Ep09: Sister Wives On the Ropes

A couple of weeks ago, I was talking to my BFF on the phone. Now, BFF usually ignores everything about Sister Wives, but when she saw the commercial for this episode - with Robyn's flared nostrils warning someone not to make her out to be a victim, she was hooked.

So, a few days ago, we were able to coordinate our busy schedules and even busier DVRs in order to watch this episode while chatting to each other over the phone.




 Anyway, right off the bat,  BFF (who prefers to remain anonymous) took issue with Christine allowing her 3 year old to walk across the street to Robyn's McMansion.

 I agreed. I mean, seriously, what mother would allow their 3 year old to walk across a street without an adult or older child accompanying her? I was gob smacked. (Been watching too much of BBC2 on cable).




And then, Christine yells upstairs to daughter Aspyn and tells her to call Robyn and let her know she needs to unlock the door for Truely. So let me get this straight...the cul-de-sac is not safe enough to leave the front door unlock, but IS safe enough to allow a 3 year old toddler to wander across the street on her own.

Bottom line...Christine should have walked Truely across the street to Robyn's. Major fail for Christine.

Lucky  for us, the viewers, TLC quickly returned to why we viewers tuned in...the UNLV discussion panel.

A large portion of this episode centered on Christine's reluctance to be on an UNLV discussion panel (chaired by the Anthropology Department) featuring the Browns and four former members of various fundamentalist Mormon sects. It seems her Aunt (her mother's sister Kristyn Decker) would be representing the anti polygamy side of the discussion panel, and Christine felt her Aunt's presence on the opposition side was a betrayal to Christine's family.

Actually, in real life, Christine's mother ALSO LEFT polygamy. According to her commentary in "Becoming Sister Wives", her mother leaving polygamy was one of Christine's biggest regrets in her life.

Now, I don't know why Christine's mother left, but I do believe her leaving  probably would explain why Christine has such a problem sharing physical space with her Aunt, who also left.

Funny thing, this was never explored in the episode's storyline. Unless you read the book, you would never have known Christine's mother left the polygamy "lifestyle" too. Frankly, I think this explains a lot of what drives Christine to act so irrational at times, particularly with people who are not (or no longer) into being fundamentalist Mormons.

This most certainly could have been a  great Dr. Drew moment, where he could have offered Christine some "help" on understanding why she acts the way she does. And more proof  that something weird was going on inside Christine's head was a brief exchange between Christine and Meri. On the couch, Christine was describing how it would be one of them going against four anti-polygamists on the discussion panel. Meri corrected Christine by reminding her there would be a total of FIVE people representing polygamy against the four who were anti-polygamy. Clearly, polygamy may be a catalyst for Christine's behavior, but something deep within her must be driving her irrational behavior towards her Aunt.

My BFF wondered out loud that maybe Christine could be harboring thoughts of leaving, and that's why she was so adamant against being in close proximity to her Aunt Kristyn. I have to agree with her.

Unfortunately, a Dr Drew intervention was not to be, so the audience was left to watch the Christine Irrational Behavior Show, complete with her refusing to leave a university restroom alone because her Aunt Kristyn was standing outside the door. She had to be rescued by her sister wives Meri and Robyn.

As for the rest of the Kody Krew, only Meri and Kody were kool as a kukumbers while the remaining three wives fretted about, worrying that they would be "ambushed" by the anti-polygamists (Robyn), or imagining that they were "dead men walking" as they walked through the auditorium to their chairs (Janelle).

To Kristyn Decker's credit, she never said one mean thing about her family who still followed polygamy, and that she stilled loved Christine's family with Kody "...no matter what". She did, however, mentioned how she would welcome Christine with open arms if she ever decided to leave the lifestyle.

Anyway, it just seemed the Browns were making this panel discussion out to be more than it actually was. For goodness sakes, it was just a discussion panel...not an interrogation by the Spanish Inquisition!!






I'm not going to recap the TLC edited version of the UNLV discussion panel. I will, however, point out my two favorite scenes.

The first of my favorite scenes was of Meri as she smugly declared how glad she was to be liberated enough that she didn't care if Kody didn't sleep in her bed every night.

"Kody's glad, too!" BFF and I yell, at the same time.




And of course, that "little" tiff between Robyn and Kristyn Decker. Yes, with Robyn uttering those immortal words "...Do not make me out to be a victim, sweetie!"

If only that confrontation had gone down like this....

Robyn: Don't call me a victim, Sweetie!

Kristyn: I'm not your sweetie, SWEETIE!








BFF and I thought the two questions shown from the audience members were good.

One audience member questioned Kody if he was active in his 17 children lives. Kody didn't quite answer the question. He basically said "I feel like I'm as active in my children's life as anybody else that I know...monogamist or plural." I suppose that could be considered a "great" answer for a polygamist and reality "star", but he has been shown to be clearly lacking in the parental guidance arena on the show Sister Wives, preferring to leave a majority of the parenting and attention duties on his wives.

The next question was a doozy, calling out Kody's domineering attitude with his wives and how they look at him for permission, the audience member asked his wives "Do you have the financial wherewithal to take the money out to take care of your children if you had to escape from Kody, or does he have to give you his permission."

Janelle immediately jumped in, exclaiming "I make my own paycheck and I have my own bank account. I don't share with Kody!" Great answer, but reality reared its ugly head when, after this episode was broadcasted, Janelle went on twitter to explain how finances really work in the Brown Households:

Hey all-my comment about not sharing my money with @realkodybrown simply meant that I'm not required to do so. My family shares r $ freely.
— Janelle Brown (@JanelleBrown117) September 16, 2013

And then there was the rambling explanation from Christine where she says that Kody told her "...If you're not happy, I will give you money and you can leave...if that's what's holding you back is money..." Funny, but a couple of years ago, I remember Christine talking about how tight money was when they moved to Las Vegas, that she couldn't afford to visit her father, who was ill. In fact, she said Kody told her she would have to take the money from her food budget to make the trip. So I was left wondering about her response. If it doesn't jell, it ain't aspic....and this ain't jelling.

And as far as the statistics quoted by the good professor, he estimated that only about 30% of plural marriages could be rated as "satisfactory", claiming that number was probably not that much different from monogamist marriages. BFF took exception to his statistics, noting that 30% satisfactory vs 70% unsatisfactory was no way a success story for polygamy.



 Kody, I don't think you should have buttoned that jacket!

Anyway, the discussion panel came to an end. As noted by Janelle, there was no agreeing to disagree. Meri was disappointed the panel discussion turned into a debate. But Aspyn summarized it best, saying  "...the parents didn't see  [ that the other side] was just talking about their own experiences."

Aunt Kristyn attempted to make peace with Christine by inviting the Browns to go out to dinner. Christine curtly declined the offer, however Janelle's son Logan did give Kristyn  a hug.

And with that, the Browns defiantly walked out of the building, to go back to the safety of their gated cul-de-sac and their McMansions. Maybe the next UNLV discussion panel featuring the Browns will be chaired by the folks responsible for TLC's What Not To Wear show.

BFF thought that would be an excellent idea, because as she put it "How did these people get a reality show anyway?"




     

I Scour the Internet for September 26, 2013

Goodness gracious, what a lot of changes since the last time we had a chance to talk. Lucky for you, I haven't lost my touch scouring the internet for your entertainment!

For instance...

TLC is still riding the wave of Polygamy chic. Not to be outdone by the academic Polygamy, USA series on the even more academic National Geographic channel, TLC recently announced two more "seriously" minded shows focusing mainly on those big bad boys of Fundamentalist Mormon polygamy...yes, I'm referring to the FLDS!!

Now, the one that is probably slated to be a weekly series is called "Breaking the Faith" and premieres on November 24th. According to TLC, this show will follow "...the journey of eight young men and women trying to escape their FLDS lives and build new roots outside the church."

Wait a minute, doesn't that sound suspiciously like another TLC series called "Breaking Amish"?

Makes me wonder just how "real" this new show will be. I can see it all now... After the finale is shown, it will be disclosed that the eight young people are really middle aged actors whose only connection to the FLDS was having lunch at the Merry Wives Café in Hildale/Colorado City...Hmmm

And then there's a show called "Escaping the Prophet" that will follow activist Flora Jessop "...on her mission to expose and destroy the dangerous polygamist cults in America." It's set to premiere sometime in December.

One would think that a prominent public polygamist reality star (you know, Kody Brown) would be quaking in his well-worn buffalo hide sandals at the thought of even more competition in the polygamist arena, but apparently, that's not the case.

I found the following retweet from the Kodster in my Twitter timeline:

@TV_WorthBloggin Have hopes that TLC's Breaking the Faith & Escaping the Prophet will help awareness that leads to a free/safe FLDS society.
— Kody Brown (@realkodybrown) September 26, 2013

Mind you, Kody didn't write a response, but the fact he acknowledged the tweet by retweeting it shows maybe he's not as dense as he appears. After all, he can still continue to shout to everyone willing to listen how HIS form of fundamentalism is different from THEIR form of fundamentalism. Needless to say, it will be interesting how this will all play out in the next few months, for sure!

Not to be outdone in the fundamentalist religion category, TLC also recently posted a blog called "4 Dating Tips from Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar."

Now, call me silly, but who would want to follow the dating tips from Jim Bob and Michelle? I guess we can be thankful it's not tips on contraception techniques.

If you're interested, here are the links to these exciting stories:

One Church Leader and Pastel Prairie Dresses

 4 Dating Tips From Jim Bob & Michelle Duggar



So what's been happening with the rest of the Browns on Twitter this week?

Finally, Robyn answers the question that has been on the minds of their fans for centuries...OK, maybe not centuries, maybe just a couple of seasons (it just seems like centuries):

Who the hell takes care of all those damn kids while the adults are traveling hither and yon to exotic places for their show?

@BAugust2010 Grandma's!
— Robyn Sullivan Brown (@LuvgvsUwngs) September 23, 2013

There. Satisfied? I know I am.

And Robyn, what about Kody. Does he wear a different wedding band for each wife, or does he walk on the wild side by allowing his ring finger to go au naturel?

@FirstBlush Kody wears a wedding ring that the four of us gave him that has four diamonds in it. :-)
— Robyn Sullivan Brown (@LuvgvsUwngs) September 23, 2013

On the subject of four diamonds for four wives, specifically concerning etiquette...Meri, would it ever be proper for a woman to walk up to Kody and ask to be his 5th wife?

We really don't like having the offers of a 5th. So if you don't ask when we meet, that would be awesome! :)
— Meri Brown (@MeriBrown1) September 23, 2013

Oh dear. Sounds like Meri is still smarting over how Robyn became wife #4.

But at least it seems Meri is still involved in the green koolaid business...

Business open house event, Thurs Sept 26, 7 pm, South Pointe casino, Vegas. Stop by & meet some of us! Email brownlivteam@gmail.com for info
— Meri Brown (@MeriBrown1) September 25, 2013

On the topic of the Brown's green koolaid, looks like Janelle likes the color pink instead. C'mon Janelle! Show some solidarity with your hubby and sisterwives marketing biz (unless of course you are making more money shilling the pink exercise stuff)

“@Lifespeedfitnes: Strong really is the new sexy . pic.twitter.com/DB7L3Mj0fA”. Love this product line!
— Janelle Brown (@JanelleBrown117) September 24, 2013

And the following tweets shows everyone just how far you can push the edge of the envelope with Janelle...and it doesn't look like it's very far, either.

Hey guys - if I haven't blocked you - I haven't minded what you have said. I'm really good with opinions and sharing info.
— Janelle Brown (@JanelleBrown117) September 23, 2013

And there is a difference between sharing points of view and being rude - Respect is where it's at!
— Janelle Brown (@JanelleBrown117) September 23, 2013

And I bet you thought Robyn was quick to go off on someone. Sheesh, lighten up, Janelle!

Finally, leave it to Christine to maintain her reality (and sanity) her own way, thank you very much...

I refuse to let common sense kill my dreams or remove me from my royal throne.
— Christine Brown (@rosecolored6) September 24, 2013

That's all for now! And remember, I scour the internet, so you don't have to!