Cynical Jinx' Review Polygamy, USA : The New Polygamist

Time sure flies when you're having fun! So we have come to the last episode, which in true reality show fashion, should try to tie up all those silly loose ends generated throughout the season.

Of course, NatGeo is not as slick as Bravo's stable of reality shows, or smarmy like TLCs Sister Wives (i.e. no crying Kody or Meri or Robyn, no kids running around a cul-de-sac jubilantly flying kites).

Hmm....I wonder what we'll see?

Before I start, here's some Michael Cawley inspired artwork of the polygamists whose ends were still hanging loose in the last episode.

Uncle Art, son Ezra and wife Gloria

Newlyweds Hyrum and Kellie

 

    

Fashionably soused Rebecca and Marleen

And of course, those happy (and totally soused) sisterwives, Rebecca and Marleen.

"But what about Rose Marie?"

Ah yes, when we last left Rose Marie, she was about to step into the Brethren's office door. She had decided to leave it up to the Brethren to decide which man in their small community she will marry.

According to the narrator, we learn this is the first time "outsiders" have been allowed in a Brethren's office. From the look of his office, I can see why. See how carefully Brethren Cawley has organized his office and desk? At first glance it looks like a normal office, but when you look a little closer...

Notice the book of Priesthood Discourses 1962 placed prominently in the middle of the desk.

There's the computer disc probably holding top secret church matters on the right, and a book of puzzles on the left corner. 

And of course the golf bag holding...Ping golf clubs, I bet. Sitting next to a non-descript brown box. I wonder if the Brethren have placed the names of all the "eligible" CP men in that box and the one they pull out will be Rose Marie's husband.

Hmmm..... Anyway,  being that Brethren Cawley has the same last name as Michael Cawley I supposed it would be safe to assume they are related.

As a matter of fact, they are.

Now, I won't spill the beans on how close a relationship it is, but I will say that male pattern baldness is inherited from a man's mother and not his father.

After the meeting, (and apparently after being coached by the producers) Rose Marie decided to approach her mother with a question...What if she feels the Brethren made the wrong choice?

Could  she still say no?

Rose got this look of total mortification on her face. You could almost hear her mind saying "Not in front of the cameras...NOT IN FRONT OF THE CAMERAS!!!"

She hurriedly spitted out "If you don't feel right about it, you do not do anything." OOPS, wrong answer Rose. You could almost hear a director screaming "CUT!!"

So Rose Marie spelled it out by saying that her Papa said if you go to the Brethren for help and they give you a name, you can't say no because "...it's the Priesthood and they have a direct line to God...saying no to the them is like saying no to God."

Yikes, how is Rose going to get out of this?

Well, she fell back on how she had been taught. Rose  explained "If you believe these men get inspiration from Heavenly Father...then if the answer comes from the Brethren then you are exercising your faith that Heavenly Father is working in your behalf and you believe that those men represent Him." But then she adds "...but you are the one whose going to live with the choice."

So, in other words, Rose Marie you shouldn't have put so much thought into your decision, and just chose a cute boy in town like Kellie did because now you no longer have a choice.

Get ready for that 70 year old husband. Stick a fork in Rose Marie...she's done.

Next up is Ezra's story arc.

The Brethren decided he needed two things before they would approve his marriage: 1) $10000 in the bank and 2) a place to live.

Of course, a sensible, dutiful son would take the advice of his father. He would put his marriage plans on hold, join the missionaries and prove to the Brethren he is worthy to be married.

But Ezra isn't sensible or dutiful. In fact, he's irrational, immature and already a ne'er do well at 19 years of age. He wants everything NOW, and doesn't have a clue how to get it. And the way he shakes when he's around Tiffany makes me wonder if all this "I need it NOW" is driven by his need to...release his inner tensions if you know what I mean.


Anyway, his parents - Uncle Art and Gloria still want to meet and discuss with him about North Dakota and how he plans on meeting the requirements set by the Brethren.

Now, this meeting might have worked if Ezra was level-headed and sensible.

But he isn't.

It's obvious he has no idea how to go about setting goals, making plans to meet those goals and saving money. He doesn't even know how much money, if any, he will be making.

He's a dumb-ass.

But it was particularly cruel of Uncle Art to imply that Tiffany may not wait for him, and that he hopes "Absence makes her heart grow fonder."
Gee, maybe that's the reason Ezra is so messed up, ya think?

And when Ezra tells Tiffany he is leaving for North Dakota, she is so sad.  She even tells him to remember he's got a girlfriend at home but she seemed resigned to the fact he will stray anyway.


So it's a contest who will get the Dear John/Jane letter first. Don't worry, Tiffany. He'll return like a bad penny always does.

I saved myself for marriage. I haven't kiss a guy before...

So let's look at another couple of young people whose marriage was sanctioned by the Brethren. Yep, I'm talking those newlyweds named Hyrum and Kellie.

Now here are two people who were thrown together because Kellie couldn't get Hyrum's name out of her head when she was a sophomore in high school.

Hyrum kind of understands what's going on.

As we watch him packing up his clothes for the move to his brother's house, he talks about barely knowing Kellie. In fact, he's talking like he's moving into a co-ed dorm room, and Kellie will be his roommate.


Kellie says she definitely likes him, and that "love ...will come after we get to know each other and live with each other..."

Sorry, but I kissed a girl before

Ay Carumba!!!

I have a feeling Kellie's gonna be in for some disappointment.

Something tells me Hyrum will be pulling as many strings as possible to get a girl he really likes to marry him in a couple of years.

Yep, marriage to Kellie may be duty, but Hyrum looks like he wants a wife who could match him shot for shot of tequila. A girl similar to ...Connie Cawley, perhaps. (Ha, betcha thought I was going to say Rebecca, didn't you!)

In what could be the most uncomfortable scene for the entire season, Hyrum and Kellie sit down for lunch with each other.

Yeah, I  heard about that...

With Kellie giggling incessantly, Hyrum tries to engage her in conversation. "Do you want to bite this?" Hyrum says, putting a slice of red bell pepper in Kellie's face.

"Do you want to take a bite out of me?" Hyrum asks suggestively, with Kellie immediately recoiling away.

The only time Kellie answered like a married woman was when Hyrum asked her "Do you want to have kids?" "Well, not right now!" she says with a straight face, that immediately dissolves into giggles.

I wonder if Hyrum has cousin Rebecca on speed dial? Like, he needs H E L P!!!


And Kellie needs a T-shirt that says "Hyrum Kissed A Girl Before, And All He Gave Me Was This Fever Blister."



Good grief.

When Michael Cawley brings out that torn picture of what he envisioned his life to be in the year 2040, all I can say is...What a strange 18 year old he must have been. I mean really strange. And I wonder how the corner of his masterpiece got torn off.



And then he starts this discourse on "Raising up a Righteous Royal Seed" and housing them in...hold on to your chapeaus, rusty shipping containers from China no less.

Yep, seven wives and 50 children, housing the "excess" righteous royal seeds in shipping containers. No wonder Connie is throwing him a WTF look while he's going gaga about containers at the table.

The wives  most vehemently against the container housing were Rose and Connie, with Runaway wife Teresa wanting to spend the money on standard additions to the home.

Yeah, like regular people in Centennial Park do.

Once inside the containers (which are not just eyesores, but damn ugly rusty eyesores) we see an amazing turn of events. Suddenly Rose is on board with Michael. So is Runaway Wife Teresa. Connie has been left slowly twisting in the wind. The containers will stay and be used as housing for Michael's righteous royal seed.

Sorry Connie, but next time wear a shirt that doesn't have pink horsies  and chickies on it if you want to be taken seriously.

So what do two sister wives do when their hubby goes off to work for 5 weeks. Well, in the case of Rebecca and Marleen, you have a steak night and drink lots and lots of wine.

Once they were thoroughly soused, they played a card game. The winner, one of them decided, would get the other wife's night with Isaiah.

Now, I'm getting a lot of vibes from these ladies...mainly an undertone of competition they try to hide with "Oh Marleen, you're so funny" or "Oh Rebecca, you're such a nerd."

Yeah right.

I think what Marleen's  thinking is Rebecca, it's time for you to get off your skinny behind and start having some more babies!

How does she walk in those things?

And to the NatGeo Producer, I have a question. Why the lingering shot of Marleen's extremely high heeled shoes she wore to the Dixie State conference?

At the conference, Marleen fielded questions like a professional. Professional polygamist, that is.

For example, driving home the fact that she isn't like the polygamists of the FLDS. She chose to live her life as a polygamist and she has never been abused, Thank you very much.

Actually I believe her. Who'd want to try and mess with a woman wearing 7 inch heels? Those things are lethal weapons!

The episode ends with the Centennial Park families going to worship.

Uncle Art asked Rose Cawley to step up to the podium and give testimony.

Rose said she was grateful for the film crew (being that they are right there in her face). It's what God wanted them to do so people can see "what we want them to see."

And what she says is so true of this series. It wasn't a matter of showing outsiders Centennial Park, but one of only showing outsiders the Centennial Park the insiders want them to see.

We saw the older, wiser polygamists and the new generation.

We saw how they place couples into marriage.


We saw how the community "missionaries" help to build houses and schools.

But as outsiders, we can also see how some things just don't make sense.

For example, saying that woman makes the choice who they will marry when in actuality their choice must be approved by the Brethren. And if she can't make up her mind, guess what? She can ask the Brethren and they will make up her mind for her.

We saw a 15 year old girl break down in tears at the thought of not being able to bear children for her future husband.

We are told there is no abuse, but we see Art Hammon throwing a boot at a young man's head, and saying to son Ezra "You get kisses from your mother, you get a kick in the ass from me."

And don't forget the bedtime story reading by Michael Cawley that said women who live in monogamy are condemning their daughters to live as harlots in the street.

Although the producers strove to "hide" the huge mansions, they are still there for all to see, courtesy of Google Map. Huge mansions being built while the groundwater of Centennial Park is too radioactive to drink, and still no building of their temple on Berry Knoll. Why are the super wealthy men of Centennial Park not taking better care of their community?

The good people of Centennial Park may think we outsiders only see the facade, but they need to know that facade is crumbling and their dark secrets are slowly but surely being seen in all their glory.

Centennial Park needs to wake up.

Cynical Jinx' Review Polygamy, USA: God Has Spoken

In this episode, we continue the saga of several of Centennial Park's young folk: Graduated Missionary Hyrum; Ne'er Do Well Ezra; and Devoted Daughter Rose Marie whose quest for a husband seems to be at a standstill.

Plain and simple, Ezra has problems. A high school drop out, he yearns to be somebody. He wants to be noticed in his community, to be looked up to, to be a leader. But he just doesn't know how to go about it. He had a truck but when it broke down, he left it abandoned on the side of the road. And when Uncle Art waste his time and gas to haul Ezra's sorry azz to Salt Lake City, he wasn't even responsible enough to make sure he had his truck keys with him in order to retrieve his belongings from the locked truck.

And now he wants to get married but he doesn't have a job and lives with his parents. The kid is an irresponsible mess.

The icing on this cake is Ezra still wants to live the Principle of Plural Marriage in Centennial Park. AND he desperately wants to get married, NOW. So he makes an appointment with the Brethren to plead his case.

I really don't know what Ezra expected the Brethren to tell him. When he returned from his meeting, he jokingly told Tiffany they were getting married, then quickly told her the truth.

It seems the Brethren want Ezra to grow up before getting married. He must first find a place to live AND have $10,000 in the bank before they would approve of him getting married.

Even when you view Ezra and Tiffany's plight through a monogamist's  eyeglasses, it is obvious these two "lovers" are way too immature to be contemplating marriage.

Ezra tries to act like a macho man, but instead of looking for a job, we see him lying on his bed with a TV remote in his hand. And I get the impression that Ezra's idea of his father helping him out is being handed $10,000 and a house. 

But Uncle Art will not be fooled. He laid it out:  Ezra is in LUST. 

I think Uncle Art does care about Tiffany's well being and, like the other Brethren, know  where this is all going end.

In this case, I can see the wisdom of the Priesthood Council. Marriage is for now and eternity for them. If Ezra marries Tiffany, their marriage might last a year or two, at most.

The Brethren have given Tiffany a gift: she should thank them and walk away before she gets hurt.

Later, Ezra is offered a job in North Dakota. Now, if he was a mature adult, he would tell his father he's leaving for a job in North Dakota. But when he does tell his father, it's to ask his permission - no doubt hoping Uncle Art will relent and give him the $10,000 so he can stay in Centennial Park.

So it must have come to a big surprise to Ezra when his father implied North Dakota didn't sound like a bad idea after all.

So we the viewers are left with a cliffhanger: Will Ezra leave for North Dakota? Tune in next week to find out!

Let's segue to something more light-hearted. Yep, I'm talkin' Hyrum's bachelor party! Oh yeah, and Kellie's bachelorette mani/pedi party with Rose Marie, the Thomson wives and two friends.

Here's a brief summary: There were no strippers, and Hyrum can throwback a shot of tequila like a champ. Kellie says she knows enough about Hyrum to marry him, and can't wait to be best friends with her sisterwives. She also knows exactly what she wants on her french tips.

Hyrum thinks Kellie "is sweet", but also thinks there might be some "sharks ready to eat his legs off"  once he ventures into the deep end of the pool called marriage.

Hyrum speculates his future to his posse by saying that he will get married and nine months later she will give birth.

Kellie feels that the one thing she and Hyrum have in common is their passion for their religion and that will make things easier for them.

I'm happy to hear there's SOME passion going on between Hyrum and Kellie!


Sorry, but I can't stand it when Marleen takes that sanctimonious tone of voice when she talks about how having sister wives is how women work out their salvation. And is it me or does Rose Marie sound more mature than Kellie?

Rose Marie sounds like she knows what is expected of a wife -- making lots and lots of babies (no doubt courtesy of her father), but Kellie seems to ignore that part. She gives the impression that marriage is a big sorority party where she can hang out and be best buds with her sisterwives.

My impression of Kellie is that she was probably not very popular in school and stayed in the background -- a lot.

She saw Hyrum, and immediately fell into unrequited love. Luckily for her, she belonged in a religion where SHE could pick her husband.

When the time came for her to submit a name, it was a no brainer: she said Hyrum...and lo and behold, it was approved.

The problem is, she's emotionally stuck at being 13-14 years old. She's like a child, more concerned with putting flowers on her french tipped nails. She thinks her sisterwives will be her friends, but probably hasn't given a thought  if they become her adversary instead. I'm sure she'll pray about it and repeating Marleen's words - this is how she will work out her salvation.

And if Hyrum's unhappy, he'll just get another wife, but Kellie will be stuck in a marriage based on duty to husband and home and having lots and lots of babies. She will find solace in her religion, and her husband will find solace in another woman.

What a sad life to look forward to... BUT...Hyrum and Kellie do tie the old knot, although I would have loved to see the ceremony. My guess is there was a lot of giggling going on by the bride.

In one of the most romantic acts by a husband ever seen on a reality show (take notes ABC's The Bachelor), Hyrum prepared a "tree of life" up on sacred Berry Knoll to show his devotion to his new bride.

There were ribbons to signify Hyrum and Kellie being tied together from this life into the next. An empty picture frame that they will fill with pictures of their children. An oil lamp to represent being sealed together forever and Hyrum's priesthood to show them the way. And a bowl of fruit that signifies Hyrum providing the things Kellie will need to sustain her through their life together, even through the rotting of their flesh into dust (oops, I think Hyrum had a TMI moment there)

And what did Kellie do throughout his presentation? She giggled....a lot.

OK, that leaves us with Rose Marie, who unfortunately has not received any revelation which man she should marry.

She approaches her future duty as a wife like she was preparing for her final exams in school:
Practice making dinner for  twenty to thirty people. Practice taking care of kids. Practice running the household. Practice. Practice. Practice.

She wants the family not the man. Practice. Practice. Practice.


She's ready to step away from her father's family, but she can't until she gets that doggone revelation.

Why won't her husband's name pop into her head, like what happened to Kellie? Why? Why? WHY???

If you ask me, I think God is telling Rose Marie maybe she should be doing something else instead of being married right now. Like learning about the world and meeting new, different people.

Maybe God is telling her she needs to further her education, and then perhaps, that name will be revealed to her.

After some thought, she decides to put her fate into the hands of the Brethren. She only hopes the man the Brethren come up with is not too old, and is pleasing to the eye.

Fat chance, Rose Marie. You're going to marry...Uncle Art!!

But just like the Ezra saga, we'll find out what happens in next week's episode.


The rest of this episode was mainly fillers. At a dinner party hosted by the "Thomsons", we were introduced to a recent convert to plural marriage and his two wives.

Besides the creepy fact he found out about CP's form of  polygamy from chatting with an unseen man on the internet, he gives a toast that includes an unfortunate gesture to his 2nd wife who is old enough to marry and bear a child but not old enough to share a glass of wine, legally.

Actually, we didn't need to know her age or that she was too young to drink, but it must have been important to him to mention it in his toast. Now he didn't remind me of a Warren Jeffs, but he did remind me of Winston Blackmore or Jeff's former number two  Willie Jessop. A creepy, faked gregariousness. I wonder why polygamy attracts these type of men?

On a more cheerful note, Mama Rose Cawley survived her first day caring for 9 children under the age of 5...sort of....

As we watched her struggle with kids seemingly in every nook and cranny of her house, something caught my eye.

She was CLEANING.

Frankly,  I would rather see her watching the children not busily cleaning the house.

What if little Simon decided to give little Charlie a frontal lobotomy on the coffee table? Would she drop her cleaning rag in time to prevent a nasty accident? Or would she continue cleaning while yelling "Simon! Make sure you go through Charlie's right nostril, QUICKFAST!"

Even though she happily announced she made it through the first day, I began to wonder maybe Connie was right when she said 9 kids would be too much for Rose.

Finally, we find out that once a week, CP Mike ventures into Colorado City in order to replenish his family's drinking water supply. It seems the Centennial Park's ground water is contaminated with radium. Since he can't afford the $100 a month to have water delivered to his home, he has to travel to Colorado City's community water faucet to replenish his supply.

Now, we all know that Colorado City is not known to be very cordial to outsiders. So why would anyone with half a brain knowingly antagonize the goon squad that patrols and protects Colorado City?

Yep, CP Mike would.

You know what?  I think the REAL reason the goon squad was taking pictures was because of all the cameras from the reality show. They could care less about former Brother Cawley. It just seems to me all of this was just so....silly.

And those 3 containers provides drinking water for a family of 22 for one week? I don't think so. Hell, just pay the $100 for water delivery and be done with it. Sorry CP Mike, no sympathy from me!

Next week, the season finale!

Cynical Jinx Review Polygamy, USA: The Priesthood Council

What a "fun" episode this was.

First, there was Centennial Park Mike reading this sermon how women who do not live the Principle of Plural Marriage will doom their daughters to live as harlots. Then there was Ezra nervously contemplating  having his non-plyg girlfriend  meet his parents.

And finally, there was the continuing saga of Hyrum - the longest serving missionary in Centennial Park. Will he finally graduate from his mission or will the Brethren condemn him to one more year because he can't be bothered to shave every morning?

Well, let's get started, shall we?

CP Mike thinking about how it rubs the lotion on it's skin...

There was something very creepy about CP Mike  reading that sermon about harlots to his small children as if it was a bedtime story.

Not only was it inappropriate for children, it was a nightmarish depiction of  what supposedly happens when a woman chooses monogamy. 

It was BRAINWASHING, plain and simple. Who uses the word harlot in the 21st century? And it didn't help that the book CP Mike was reading from sounded as if it was the collected sermons of Warren Jeffs?

Creepy!

But wait, the creepiness doesn't just end there. We get to see the Cawleys plan their grocery shopping for the week.

Now if you've seen this episode, you're already aware of the "applesauce" incident where poor 1st wife Rose had to tell her strong priesthood holder that they needed more applesauce.

The look of fear on Rose's face says it all.

As CP Mike bemoans, in that creepy monotone voice of his, about how expensive food supplies are and how he budgets $5-600 dollars each week, I'm thinking that figure is way too low.  I figure at least $200 for each adult, so that's over $800 when you factor in the teens. Later, when CP Mike tells us he paid about $900, I'm thinking, yeah, that sounds about right. Dude, you need to redo your budget!

Seriously, they could cut their grocery costs by economizing on some non-food items. Like, instead of buying disposable diapers, investing in cotton diapers. And maybe checking out the Duggar's website for some great instructions on making laundry soap. And how about growing vegetables and having some chickens in the backyard. It just seems so backwards to grind their own wheat but then spend money buying expensive, non reusable disposable diapers. There's a lot they could do to cut costs if they really wanted!

But back to the show. It's CP Mike's 2nd wife Connie's birthday and he takes her to a nice restaurant to celebrate. CP Mike is just...so...hopelessly....nerdy.

I just felt so sorry for Connie (who I think is CP Mike's favorite wife by the way) when he broke it to her that, not only could she not have just anything on the menu, she also had to go back to work.

Even though her words said she agreed with CP Mike's decision, her facial expressions clearly did not. And when she mentioned she didn't think her sisterwife Rose could handle being responsible for 9 kids every day, oh boy...that's the way to throw a sister wife under the bus, Connie! I mean, bonus daughter Rose Marie is 18 now. If she's old enough to be on the lookout for a husband, she should be able to help out her mother with the young kids, right?

Which leads us directly to Ezra, Uncle Art's ne'er do well, unmarried son. The way I see it, Ezra has a lot in common with his missionary positioned cousin Hyrum. They both like to wear facial hair. They both live at home, and they both possess those Hammon brows.

But where the two cousins part ways is the fact that Ezra has a girlfriend. When Ezra picks her up for a date, he gets out of the car and goes to her door. And most important, HE wants to marry her. Now before I continue, I must get something off my ample chest. Am I the only viewer who did not realize that Ezra's mother was only 43 years old?

We still have not met wife #3 yet, although I've heard rumors that she opted not to appear. Psst....I think old Uncle Art has more than 3 wives, too. What a virile stud he is!!

But I digress...

While Ezra was picking up Tiffany, his mothers (and sisters) were busy making dinner. As the family assembled around the table, it became apparent Ezra was running late. Seems that's another trait he shares with his cousin Hyrum. 

Uncle Art seemed nervous while waiting for Ezra to arrive. When Ezra finally showed up, Uncle Art ordered his family to be respectful and then asked Ezra to introduce Tiffany to the family.

Surprise, Surprise! Uncle Art was actually quite charming with Tiffany. He's not so scary after all she thinks. I'm thinking old Art is being nice because he figures if Tiffany smartens up she'll dump that lazy lug Ezra and marry him instead. But seriously, Uncle Art doesn't think Ezra's relationship with Tiffany will last because it's built on love. And love fades quickly, especially if the guy doesn't have a pot to you know what in.

Which leads us directly to Ezra's cousin Hyrum.

While Hyrum was dutifully sweeping the street and barking orders to his clean up crew, he gets a phone call from the Brethren Office.

Now if this had been the Housewives of Centennial Park, Hyrum would have answered the call on speakerphone. Unfortunately, it's not, so we only got to hear Hyrum's side of the conversation.


Luckily, Hyrum's fellow street sweeper was still standing nearby, so in typical reality show style he starts a conversation that will fill us (the audience) in on what that call was about.

Dude, you're getting married!
Dude, I don't think so...
Dude, how many times does the Brethren call you?
Dude, more times than I want to admit on camera...

Hey you two Dudes! How about sweeping that gutter with a little more gusto cuz I'm still seeing a lot of dirt and leaves. Hop to it or I'll throw my Louboutins at your lazy ass heads! Did I sound like Uncle Art? At least I didn't call them SOBs and sorry bastards but then again they aren't horses, are they?

Hyrum nervously rubbing the manly stubble on his face

Later, Hyrum moseyed on over to the Brethren Office, located in an unassuming building.

In another typical reality show scripted moment, Hyrum finds out his time as a missionary has finally come to an end. The conversation is stilted, and just weird with Hyrum smiling while nervously rubbing the thick manly stubble on his face.



No wonder the producers had the narrator explain that the "conversation" may seem obscure to outsiders.   Let's just hope Hyrum was a better missionary than an actor.

A few days later, Hyrum hits the jackpot. A young daughter of Zion has had a revelation she should be married to Hyrum. When she turned 18, she passed Hyrum's name to the Brethren, and now that Hyrum has been released from the missionary program, he finds out he's getting married!

But Hyrum does not look happy. In fact, he looks rather resigned. It became obvious Kellie was not one of the girl's he was expecting (ah....poor baby!) but rather than pout about it, he put on a semi-happy face. When we meet Kellie in the next scene, Hyrum was less than enthusiastic. And it really showed when Hyrum picked up Kellie for their "first date". Instead of walking up to her door, he just sat in his truck and she had to walk over to his truck and climb into it.

Now, when I was growing up, if a guy came to pick me up for a date and he honked his horn when he arrived, guess what? Yep, my Dad would not let me go out the door; that guy HAD to come to the door, and meet my Dad before taking me off on the date. Behavior like that is not only disrespectful to the girl, but to her family as well.

The Brethren made their decision, and Kellie, who apparently has been crushing on Hyrum since the 10th grade, gets to marry the man of her dreams after only 'courting' him after 14 days. This is how marriages are done in Centennial Park.

But I think Hyrum's optimistically  looking on the bright side. If  his first wife was fulfilling his duty to God, perhaps he can still find his true love in a future wife. Yep, I think I'm beginning to figure out the Centennial Park version of plural marriage. Accumulate wives until you find your true love, then accumulate some more.

It will be interesting to see how this saga between cousins Hyrum and Ezra will play out.

Cynical Jinx' Review Polygamy, USA: Meet the Polygamists

When looking at how polygamist have been portrayed recently on reality TV, the focus has been on only two families...The Browns and their 'friends' The Dargers.

According to TLC's reality show model, polygamists are lovable, loving people who are just like the rest of America except for the fact the husband has more than one wife.


As shown by our favorite polygamist Kody Brown, he believes "Love should be multiplied, not divided". Seemingly thousands of people became instant fans of the Browns. And Kody - a balding, long-haired, disheveled kind of guy who hasn't had a real job in years  has plopped his four wives in not one McMansion (heaven forbid they should have to share a kitchen) but in four separate almost identical McMansions in a gated cul de sac.



We also had a brief look at another polygamist family, the Dargers who, like the Browns, are independent Mormon fundamentalists. Besides having a bald head, Joe Darger possesses a look that  projects rigidity and no nonsense. His family is well disciplined, and his three wives can function under one roof, can work with each other in one kitchen and are confident enough in their relationship that Papa Joe can show affection for a wife in plain view of the other wives.

It also doesn't hurt that his wives are all cousins, and that 2 wives are identical twin sisters.

But is this really an accurate depiction of polygamy in the USA today? Well, thank you for asking.

National Geographic has taken on the task of presenting yet another view of polygamy in the USA. This time, however, instead of focusing on a single family, the focus is on an entire community: Centennial Park, AZ. The name of the series: Polygamy, USA.

Now, before you start jumping for joy, please take a look at the disclaimer shown at the beginning of the episode:

"The following program reveals the lives of practicing polygamists. 

Due to the sensitive nature of their beliefs, some individuals have requested that their names be changed."

Why would names need to be changed? OK, OK, we know that polygamy is illegal (the narrator told us so) but we also know that as long as the polygamists aren't breaking any other laws (like marrying their 12 year old daughters off to 70 year old men or their adult cousins for an example) no state law enforcement agency is going to go all Short Creek /YFZ Ranch on their behinds.

So I suppose that disclaimer is in place because many of the men who live in Centennial Park are successful businessmen whose clients may not appreciate doing business with polygamists. Go figure!!
 

If only Kody had thought about the short term effects of his show Sister Wives and just changed his name like some of the folks in Centennial Park did, maybe he wouldn't have needed to seek asylum in Sin City...I mean Las Vegas.

I'm thinking Kody Yellow would have been a good name choice. Or maybe Kody Red.

But I digress...

Polygamy, USA uses the standard program template of reality television...but since it is NatGeo and not TLC, instead of a Kody Brown type narrator, there is a professional male voice doing the honors. 

The guy's voice is so smooth if you close your eyes, you will think you're watching a documentary on the Yanomamo Indians of the Amazon. And loving every minute of it!

So here's a brief synopsis of  the first episode:

Part of large McMansion viewed from Hammon's truck

Picture of same McMansion showing most of its full glory

The polygamists who live in Centennial Park are hardcore. And some of them live in really big houses. Really really big houses that strangely enough are not shown when Arthur Hammon is driving his truck down the streets of Centennial Park. But I was able to find one on the internet.

Missionaries...the future old coots of Centennial Park

The Missionaries (composed of the unmarried 20-something men) are learning to be hardcore. Their jobs are to work within Centennial Park to keep it beautiful and safe.

For example, their mentor will have them building a structure, cleaning up the town and working as trash collectors.

But one thing is made perfectly clear: these young men can never date a girl or be alone with a girl outside of church sanctioned get togethers. They must prove themselves to be responsible priesthood holders.

Kody Brown scruffy long hair types need not apply.

These young men are expected to work hard at their J.O.B. And be hardcore. So if they are almost 30 years old and the church elders still don't feel they are ready for marriage, so be it. The young men must prove they are responsible and there's always the highway if they don't like it. Plus, it leaves more young women for the old coots in town.

The Daughters of Zion (the female population) are hardcore, too. For goodness sakes they GRIND their own wheat. When they turn 18, they are expected to marry  BUT they let God decide who that lucky fellow will be. So, if God reveals to the woman that the 90 year old geezer being propped up at the church meeting is her intended, she will approach the church elders with her revelation.

 If the elders approve of her choice, they will approach the old geezer and tell him he's won the jackpot once again. If all parties approve, the young lady will then be "placed" with the new family and, voila, she becomes a  wife.

Arthur with his not so hardcore son Ezra

Arthur Hammon (his real name) has scary cold rheumy eyes, wants outsiders to mind their own business, is mentor to the Missionaries, and is HARDCORE.

He expects his missionaries to exemplify their religious calling - to become strong priesthood leaders and to look the part, and to have a firm understanding of the responsibilities that go with marriage.

He leaves no doubt that if he says a young man is not ready for marriage, that guy will not be married. Not in Centennial Park.


And his favorite punishment for a disrespectful missionary is throwing his nasty boot at the guy. Full force, aimed directly at the head.  This guy is so hardcore he makes General George Patton look like a freakin' coward. And he can't hide his disappointment in his less than hardcore son, Ezra.

I suspect even the cats and dogs are hardcore too, but strangely enough, none were shown at all. Weird...like do they serve the strays ground up in the meat loaf at the Merry Wives Cafe up the road in Hildale?

Like any other reality TV show, there's got to be drama and Polygamy, USA does not disappoint.


 Even though the narrator said Arthur had 3 wives, something immediately caught my attention. He has all these little kids. Now, these little ones did not come from the 2 wives introduced in the show...frankly, those 2 women looked older than Arthur. And we weren't introduced to wife #3.

Of course, I have come to the conclusion that Old Arthur has hooked himself up with some young Daughters of Zion to give birth to his spirit babies.

When you factor in the conflict between Old Arthur and his son Ezra because Ezra wants to date and kiss a girl, oh yeah, this looks like it's going to be good storyline. Especially when later it's mentioned the reason for single young men not being allowed to date was because that young man could be dating another man's future wife.

If you ask me, it's simple. Ezra might be dating a future wife of his father. And what is sad about this is the Centennial Park Daughters of Zion are taught from a very early age this is their lot in life: to be married at 18, have lots of children and lots of sisterwives. And to cook and grind wheat and clean. And to braid their hair FLDS style. And to be ready to accept marriage to any man between the age of 18 to whatever.

They are told it's God's will - He will show them who they are to marry, but why do the elders need to have a final say? Shouldn't God's will suffice? Not with this group, apparently.

We met two of Arthur's nephews, Hyrum and Joseph Burton (not their real last name). Their mother, called "Aunt Susie" by her brother Arthur, apparently was gravely ill. When a picture of her was shown, I suddenly realized I'd seen this woman before. Her name was Susie Timpson, married to the man considered as the Leader of Centennial Park - John W Timpson and she passed away in November 2012. She was also featured in a documentary on polygamy shown on TLC several years ago.

There's no denying that Hyrum is one good looking dude, with some very prominent eyebrows. He's also one of the oldest of the missionaries (oh oh...that's not good).

But don't fear, I found a picture from the NatGeo website and it appears to point to a young Daughter of Zion being called to make Hyrum her husband. Since he's literally wrestling with this young woman, I have a feeling they are now married to each other.

Or is this his brother Joseph?

You know, I don't know for sure now since those boys all have the Hammon eyebrows.

We also met the Thomsons (not their real name). Now, they were featured in Lisa Ling's recent documentary on Centennial Park. I believe on that show they were living in double wides. They now live in a beautiful big home.

I get the sense the two wives, young 2nd wife Becca, and older wiser 1st wife Marleen, are still trying to adjust to each other. I mean it's gross they share the same man, but unlike the Browns, hubby Isaiah doesn't race from one wife's bedroom to another every 2 days, the wives go to HIS bedroom instead.


Let's just hope he change those sheets every 2 days, yuck.

And on a 2's company, three's a polygamist date at a Thai restaurant, Marleen tries to make light of another sister wife joining their 'happy' family by requesting that the new wife be either Mexican or Chinese so she can cook up Marleen's favorite foods for dinner. I think Isaiah failed to see the humor of her 'joke'. In fact, I think Isaiah thought she was serious. 

And then the look on Marleen's face when Isaiah brought up the subject of more babies. Don't worry Marleen, more babies mean Isaiah will be spending even more time away from home making money to feed those mouths. And for you that means more time alone with Becca, making her young life more miserable.

Yep, I can't wait to see how the 'Thomson' circus plays out this season.

Last, we met the Cawleys (real name). There's really nothing exceptional to say about them except that the husband, Michael, talks as if he's channeling Mister Rogers. Or Warren Jeffs.
 

Buffalo Bill Michael with his eldest daughter Rose Marie

If I had to pick out the one person on this show that could pass as a serial killer, it's definitely this guy.

I can hear him now..."It puts the lotion on it's skin and rubs it in. It does this whenever it is told."

I'm sure he's a nice enough fellow, but I'd check to see if he's hiding something in his basement before becoming his best friend, if you know what I mean.



Next episode: The Winter Ball.