Recap My Five Wives: The Birds and the Bees & Everything In-Between S01Ep06 March

I now understand why the Browns don't talk about their sex lives.

All I want to say is I think Brady and his Bradyettes© should rethink filming in the bedroom. Some things just don't need to be televised, know what I mean?

Anyway, here's a brief summary of what went down in this episode.

• Brady insulted a wife, big time!
• Brady insulted a daughter, big time!
• Nonie is crazy like a fox!

First up, Brady showed us how he can insult a wife, and not even realize it.

I've come to a conclusion about Brady. He has the hots for Nonie, and Nonie knows it. In fact, Nonie's got old Brady wrapped firmly around her finger.

For some reason, the Bradyettes© have devised this totally confusing system of allocating Bradytime when it's a wife's anniversary. After ten years, a wife gets a week. After 15 years, she gets a weekend. Brady and Wives have come to understand is that love may be multiplied, but the number of hours in a day still remain the same.

Rosemary was not amused...

As he proudly proclaimed he and Nonie will take their weekend vacation away from the wives on schedule, poor wife Rosemary was left wondering what she did wrong.

You see, Rosemary's anniversary weekend trip was still 3 months overdue, but Brady was going ahead with taking Nonie on her anniversary trip ON SCHEDULE. As we use to say in college, she must have some powerful sexual juju he just can't resist...

The look on Rosemary's face was priceless. If looks could kill, Brady would be pushing up daisies in the frozen garden out back. Bad juju, Brady...really BAD juju...

And the insults didn't stop there.

The next segment highlighted Brady and Paulie's 15 year old daughter, September.

I need to get this off my ample chest. If parents are stupid enough to give one child an unusual name, they should spread the indignity to all of their children. In this case, once the 12 months are used up, days of the week could be used. Or the moons of Mars, Jupiter and/or Saturn if necessary. Giving a child an unusual name is just plain cruel and unusual punishment in my book. Right???

Okay, I feel better now...

Rebellious September with her shredded on purpose pants.

After Brady made fun of the pants September was wearing ("I have money to buy you new pants" he tells her) Brady was shown planning his anniversary trip with Nonie. She's got bonus kid babysitters all lined up to take care of her kids while they are away...hmmmmmm.

A few segments later, September tells her mother Paulie that a "dude" asked her out on a date. Since she is only 15 and has no idea of the particulars about this guy other than he is a 2 years ahead of her in high school, Paulie deferred to Brady to make the final decision whether September can go on her date or not.

Rosemary not feeling the love from Brady

It was interesting to see how he really cared about September.  I was glad that he did finally relent and allowed her to go out with her date and his family for dinner. But why did Brady need to cancel his night with Rosemary just so he could be with Paulie when  September came home from her date?  For heaven's sakes, it wasn't like Rosemary lived miles away!

Needless to say, Rosemary was not very happy - and she had every right to be upset. Brady never did explain why it was so important that he be at Paulie's house. It almost seemed like he would rather be ANYWHERE as long as it wasn't with Rosemary.

Oh yeah, and September got home early at 9:00pm.

 Okay, so now we come to the Nonie's anniversary trip with Brady. All I have to say is, they've got some weird looking Bed and Breakfasts in Utah. I mean, really, an actual outhouse in the room?

Stopping at a restaurant for some good looking chow,  Nonie decided to feel out Brady on the topic of having another baby. In her talking head she said she knows that in the past, financially speaking, they were not in a good place. But this is the present, and Brady agrees with her. He wants to have another baby with her, too!

Surprise, surprise! That TLC money must have taken a big financial load off his shoulders!

The Bed and Breakfast was the weirdest set up I've ever seen, I mean, an outhouse? In the room? And a skunk? Did Brady have to shoot for food in the room too?

Utah is weird...

Brady: This is where the magic happens, baby!

And then the "sex" talk between Nonie and Brady. Were the subtitles really that necessary? I think we get it, thank you very much!!!

Then Nonie gets this sanctimonious Robyn Sullivan Brown attitude when she explains how her decision to have another baby will impact her fellow sisters. You see, having a baby " is a very physical manifestation of a sexual relationship." she tells us.

This MUST be printed in the AUB Becoming A Sister Wife Handbook with Pictures. I wonder if it's on Kindle yet.

Bottom line is, Nonie is anticipating having lots and lots and lots and lots of sex. You can see it in her eyes. You can read it on her face. And she knows her sisterwives are going to resent her, a lot. Which I have a feeling gives her a great deal of pleasure. Or as she said " it's throwing in their face that, hey, every night we're going to be having sex."

Isn't she just a charming person? If I were Paulie I'd be checking Nonie's purse and medicine cabinet for contraceptives cuz this B**** is going to drag this out as long as she possibly can.

Which now brings me to another point. Brady's insistence that Rhonda quits her job. Now he tells her it's because "he's worried" that she may be over extending herself with taking care of her children and possibly an adoptive child (which will not happen if they stay in Utah). Rhonda became visibly upset because her job is the only thing that keeps her sane. Or as she told Brady "...I want a little more [financial] security...It's a good job! Socially...I really enjoy talking with adults, and honestly...I don't get to see you that much!"

OUCH!!

And imagine how much less she'll see of Brady once he starts working on impregnating Nonie! Oh yeah, this is a train wreck in the making!

Call me Cynical (Ms Jinx if you're nasty) but isn't this an ever so convenient a conversation to have? With Rhonda freed up from her job, she'll have more time to...you got it...help Nonie out with her kids if she does get knocked up!

And I wonder whose idea it was for Paulie to go speak with Rhonda about quitting her job? Hmmmm....

Tom: How about dating other species, Dad? Is that OK?

Brady's group meeting with his teens about dating was a waste of time. Of course, Brady will not change his dating rules because the teens did not come up with a good enough argument to persuade him to change (sounds just like someone majoring in philosophy). But when he asked them if they have any questions, Rosemary's son Tom asked his dad if it was OK to date other  species. Now that was a very cute moment. I think I'm in love with that kid!

We also get a glimpse of what Brady is all about. He tells his daughter it's okay to marry into a plural marriage, but he cautions her to "...make sure ... that it's a really good man. A man who has the same progressive ideas as me...I want my children to have the same access to free thought, of equality and symmetry and racial equality, gender equality, marriage equality. All these things that many times are lost within the polygamous community."

Yep, those things sure are lost, especially when it's a tenet of the polygamous belief system not to believe in marriage, gender and racial equality, for example. I just don't believe those things will ever change, but man, what a great PR statement he's just made. And to be frank, I don't think a lot of monogamous families would meet Brady's lofty criteria, either.

But it sure sounded good, didn't it?

Recaps My Five Wives S01Ep04 While Brady's Away, the Wives Will Play and S01Ep05 Have Yourself a Merry Williams Christmas

March 23, 2014 Episode: While Brady's Away, the Wives Will Play


You know, I think TLC chose the wrong man for a reality show.

This is the man they should have chosen...

He's a former United States Secret Service Agent (yeah, take THAT Channing Tatum!). A man who was brought up mainline LDS but left to join the Apostolic United Brethren and became a card-carrying polygamist. He then gained two more wives (wife number 3 he met when she was only seventeen), then ceremoniously ousted from the AUB. After relocating to the backwoods of Washington state, he built his a 5000 sq foot "home" consisting of three separate apartments for each of his three wives. After about twenty years of blissful marriage, wife #2  left him for another...woman. OUCH!!!

I bet Rod-The MAN would enjoy his Pinot grigio commando style!

Now he happily lives in the wilderness with his remaining 2 wives, where he roams the woods hunting bigfoot while wearing a kilt (with his family heirlooms left free to bounce about unhindered by sissy underwear), yelling a lot and spending quality time alone in his mancave teepee.

Everyone, please welcome the 21st Century version of Archie Bunker...I give you Brady Williams grand old dad, Rod Williams!!!

 

Can you imagine if Brady's Bunch does decide to move to Washington (which may not be too bad of an idea when you think about it)? Brady and his sons hunting Bigfoot and making manly screaming noises in the woods! Nonie, Rhonda, Robyn and Rosemary following behind the "menfolk" picking up their discarded dirty underwear along the way.

 

 

Paulie, of course, would stay back at the homestead, shaking her head while silently saying to herself "I think I made a BIG MISTAKE!" displaying a look of both disgust and dismay on her face.

 

Back to reality, I do think My Five Wives is quickly running out of energy. Although they are more "real" than Kody and his Kodettes©, the Brady Five are just soo....unmemorable and BORING. Even with Nonie and her occasional crazy lady outbursts, or Robyn and her tears when Brady isn't with her, or even Rhonda when she questions why she's fifth wife instead of number one ("was it because I wasn't first wife material?") this show is boring, boring, BORING!

They desperately need the woods of Washington and that rascally Rod Williams to spice up things, A LOT! Or a change from an hour format to a half-hour format.

And a small FYI to the production company. Polygamy USA already did the sister wives w[h]ine party storyline. Brady's Five did not look comfortable, it was forced, and....unmemorable! Next time (if there is a next time) the wives need to act like they are having FUN!! And no dining room sobriety tests, please! It's much more fun to be falling down drunk trying to walk in 6 inch heels across the floor, trust me! Or a simple face plant like in the movie "Breakfast At Tiffany's". How about a game of strip Monopoly?

That would be fun, and ...memorable!

No Pinot grigio? GET A ROPE!!

And is that a white Zinfandel on the table?

Where's the Pinot grigio?????









March 30, 2014 Episode: Have Yourself a Merry Williams Christmas


F  equals  Fundamentalist

M  equals  Mormon

LDS  equals  Mormon, therefore, M equals LDS

HOWEVER...

FLDS does NOT equal Fundamentalist Mormon because those four letters are used to signify  the Fundamentalist Church of Latter Day Saints!

Josh calling his former faith "F LDS"

I don't understand what Brady and his eldest son Josh were thinking when they proclaimed their former faith was F-LDS. Maybe they thought by putting that slight pause between the F and LDS would signify it was different from the infamous group headed by an incarcerated Warren Jeffs.

Unfortunately that slight distinction was lost and for the most part many people (including myself) were left thinking "WTH??? I thought they were AUB?"  If it wasn't for an explanation on their Facebook page I would have been left wondering if they had lost their collective former AUB minds.





No wonder Paulie has crazy eyes!

 Not a good start for this episode...and it's the Christmas show, too!

Damn....

Nonie, Nonie, NONIE!!!

Nonie is Brady's office manager so she works with Brady on a regular basis each week. One of her responsibilities is the annual Christmas party. Nonie is not stupid, so like a real life version of Big Love's Nicki Grant (you know, Bill Henrickson's  sneaky 2nd wife) she gets it into her head to demand Brady accompany her to visit a possible venue for the company Christmas party.

That way she can get some extra alone time with her shared hubby, without the other wives ever being the wiser.

Oh, what a wicked web we weave...

You forgot the Pinot grigio? GET A ROPE!!

Now, I ask you. Does this man look like he's interested in anything to do with a Christmas Party venue? Hell, woman, he's NOT Kody Brown, dammit!!

No Nonie. That's not Brady hiding on the ceiling!

Anyway, Nonie got her comeuppance when Brady conveniently stood her up at the venue she wanted him to "scout" with her.

I laughed so hard when she finally realized Brady was a no show. I guess Brady's not so dumb after all and saw right through her machinations for more Brady time.

Sorry Nonie!!

For some reason I really liked the haircut segment with Brady and five of his sons. It was funny, especially when the five showed off their best hair sling/flipping style. Little Lake had the longest hair and the best hair sling/flip...thus another example of how My Five Wives differentiates itself from Sister Wives: It leaves the immature obsession with hair to the youngsters rather than an almost 50 something unemployed balding surfer dude wannabe with over $2,000,000 in mortgages and no J.O.B.

Some other highlights:

Eldest daughter Karlie (Paulie's) drove down with husband Jake to spend Christmas with her family. Although she grew up in a plural family, she doesn't want to follow her mothers into plural marriage. She thinks her moms are wonderful, but realized that she is too jealous to share her husband, especially after witnessing how hard the lifestyle is on the mothers. " I look at my moms, and I don't know how they can do it." she says.

This lead to a very interesting couch conversation where Robyn said she would support her daughter going into a plural marriage as long as that's what she wanted. That was contrasted by Rhonda stating how she leans towards her children not living in polygamy, because of all the unhappiness she has seen.

That is definitely a change from the happy happy joy joy rhetoric you hear from Sister Wives' Robyn Brown who would cut the bitch that dared to make her into a victim, Sweetie. And even though Brady feels that polygamy lived "with equality, and symmetry is a beautiful thing" he acknowledges that "sadly, most of the time it is not equal. The man is supreme and that's when it's ugly and that's what we don't want our children to be part of."

Sounds like Brady's college studies are paying off. But boy oh boy, the looks  his wives were giving him while he made his speech. For some reason I don't think they share his new found beliefs.

And this is the number one reason why this show, although slow-moving, is so very interesting.

I want to know more about how his wives (who were born in polygamy) REALLY FEEL about Brady and his father's conversion and fast retreat from their polygamous faith. I'm getting a sense that the wives haven't yet found something to replace what they lost when they left the AUB.

I just hope this series isn't cancelled before we have a chance to hear from the women exactly how they feel about the entire situation.

Review My Five Wives S01Ep03 Turkeys and Ticking Clocks 3/16/14

Brady and his Stepford-Sister Wives ©

OOPS!!

I was busy deleting shows on my DVR when I happened upon this episode. I had watched it, but I just didn't remember a thing about it.

That is not a good sign.

So I hurriedly checked the notes folder I set up for this series. Ah HA!! I made some notes, but only a few lines worth.

Oh dear...

So here are my notes for this episode:

• New introductions for Kody Brady and his wives. They remind me of the tag lines used by the Real Housewives franchise. At least none of the wives claimed to like going commando like Sonia Morgan.

• A very uncomfortable discussion about birth control. It's obvious Brady doesn't want anymore mouths to feed. At least not right now.

• Dreary inside shots of the wives' worn out homes, outside looks messy. Nice shots of the mountains.

And that was all I wrote. And it was the Thanksgiving episode, too.

Wow.

The new intros were a big improvement from that Brady Dream Wife sequence from last week. Wait...let's take a closer look!

Robyn: I spent my whole life hiding, but not anymore.

Nonie: Now I live without fear of people knowing who I am.

Paulie: Sharing a husband is my choice.

Rosemary: People don't understand our lifestyle, but it works for us.

Rhonda: It's not that complicated; we just love each other.

Brady: Five wives and twenty-four kids. I wouldn't change it for anything.







Oh yeah, I guess Sister Wives uses the same intro format, too. Go figure. At least Brady didn't use Kody's stupid catchphrase that "Love should be multiplied, not divided."

I'm not going to recap the obviously scripted story lines in this episode.

That means you won't be reading about Rhonda's quest to become an adoptive single mother who just happens to be in a polygamist marriage with a man who really loves his children but has to divide time with his other 4 wives (and their 20 odd children).

I will say that Nonie and the other wives do have a problem with Rhonda's strange desire to adopt. More on that later.

And I'm not going recap Brady's feelgood story about whether he can make an appearance at his son's karate test. Or their really boring Thanksgiving feast, or even that weird meeting of wives at  Rhonda's house to talk about  the Judge's ruling on Utah's polygamy law.

Now, I will say that Brady has some unconventional thoughts about birth control. This was the BEST part of the show.

For instance, here's a picture of the group as the producer feeds this question to them: " Is it okay to ask about birth control?"



Robyn looks bemused, as does Brady and Rosemary. Nonie looks like she has a smirk on her face. Rhonda on the other hand, looks nervous and Paulie...well Paulie looks shocked, gobsmacked, utterly astonished.

In fact, Paulie's expressions say a lot more than her words!


Look at the expression on her face as she says "I don't want to talk about this."

And Paulie's version of Crazy Eyes gives RHoNY's Ramona Singer - who is the undisputed QUEEN of Crazy Eyes a run for their reality showbiz money!

The other eye raising moment was when Rhonda told Brady that he "... [was] raised totally different than we were...[birth control] was a sin because that is your purpose in life is to be a mother and raise children so you do not prevent that in any way, shape or form."

Brady feels there is nothing wrong with birth control, and just like every other American family, his family should be free to practice it.

It's obvious that his wives were brought up to believe differently, but it becomes very apparent that Brady has mandated that his wives DO practice birth control. As Nonie had discussed earlier with Rhonda, Brady "...has a hard time with a wife being pregnant because its so hard emotionally on him." with Rhonda  adding "...he's always very relieved when no one is expecting..." The wives nervous laughter and side looks to Brady rather confirms this.

I don't know, maybe Brady, unlike so many of his former brethren (like Kody Brown for instance) just doesn't want to risk more financial hardships of having more children. Perhaps Brady understands that there are not enough hours in the day to spend quality time with 24 children. As he puts it, it's about quality, not quantity.

Take that, Kody Brown with your 4 wives and 17 children!

But something just doesn't add up with this guy. Why would he tell his wives no more children, but then be supporting the newest wife Rhonda in her quest to adopt a child?  Nonie has expressed her feelings on the subject: Brady had locked the door on their having more children but if he allows Rhonda to adopt, then that door should be unlocked for the other wives, and they should be allowed to have more children, too. Unless...

Call me cynical (Ms Jinx if you're nasty) but I wonder if ole Brady has been "snipped" if you know what I mean. That could explain a lot of nervous looks and chatter between the wives and Brady and Rhonda's need to adopt.

Maybe this type of radical behavior (birth control) was the reason for his leaving (or being ousted) from the AUB. I doubt we will know for sure, but I'm willing to see if this question will be answered in future episodes.

Review: My Five Wives S01Ep02 Season Premiere 3/9/14

First of all, let me explain why this is episode 2 instead of episode 1. It's simple, really. Amazon Instant Video has the pilot episode listed as episode 1. So, to avoid any confusion (and accidental ordering of the wrong episode) I follow their numbering system for the episodes.

Okay, now to my review.

I absolutely hate...the dream sequence at the beginning of the episode. I hope this won't be every week because it is downright S.C.A.R.Y.!!! I kept expecting Brady to scream "This isn't a dream, this is real!!!!" as a scrawny wife's hand runs its  razor sharp talons down his naked chest and stomach.

I guess this was the producer's way to show the audience the Williams are not like the Browns, but surely they could have found a less scarier way to do that.

Of course, there were the obligatory wife introductions to get the audience up to speed with the Williams:

• Paulie is Brady's first wife. They have six children and have been married for 22 years.
• Robyn is his second wife, married for 21 years with five children. Her parents were polygamists.
• Rosemary is his third wife. They have four children and have been married for 19 years.
• Nonie is his fourth wife. They have been married 16 years and have five children.
• Rhonda is his fifth wife. Now, her story seems to be complex: She said she dated Brady when they were in their twenties, but married him after he married the previous four women. (So what was she doing in the time between dating Brady and marrying him? Hmmm...) They have four children. Her parents were also polygamists.

Now, I know the inevitable comparisons between Brady and Kody will happen, but  it appears the producers are trying really hard to show that Brady Williams is no Kody Brown.

For one thing, Brady has a J.O.B. He owns a construction company with his brother Jared who explained why he wasn't a polygamist by saying "I wasn't that much of a Mormon when I was a Mormon."

Brady drives a four wheel drive truck instead of a fancy Lexus sports car. And he is studying for a degree in Philosophy. I doubt Kody could spell philosophy let alone take college level classes in the subject.

And the Williams are not afraid to answer when a producer asks them to walk her through the wife's rotation schedule with Brady.  A major difference from the Browns was this "couch" interview was held inside one of the wife's home instead of a studio living room, and  neither Brady (nor a wife named Robyn) attempted to answer all the questions. They laughed like it was real, not scripted.

It was refreshing how low-keyed Brady and his wives were. Well, sort of low-keyed. I''ll talk about that a little later.

A couple of the wives said they were bothered knowing that Brady was "sleeping" with another wife, while first wife Paulie said she doesn't have a problem. Rosemary said she grew up knowing she would be sharing her husband, saying "It would be silly of me to expect Brady to never have sex with another wife."

Since the Williams have left the AUB church, they will be relocating to possibly another state soon. Wife Paulie didn't appear to want to move far from her family located in Montana and Utah while her sisterwives appeared willing to move to Washington.

So there will be the obligatory 'Brady finding his Plymouth Rock' story arc for sure. Something tells me they WON'T be settling in Las Vegas, however.

Now, I'm not saying Brady's polygamist family is not without its problems. The wives did appear to  have a problem talking to their sisterwives about any problems they may have with each other. Brady asked his wives to open the lines of communication between each other by utilizing something he called "Safe Talk".

On paper this idea of "Safe Talk" may have looked good. But in practice, Paulie and Nonie showed how it doesn't work, especially if you have a sisterwife like Nonie who acts as if she is walking a very thin wire between being sweet and being a complete psychopath. In fact, I've never seen a woman switch from nice to raving maniac so quickly. "Don't change me and don't tell me I'm wrong!" she screams to Brady when he confronted her about what happened between Paulie and Nonie during their "Safe Talk". One thing for sure, Nonie would fit right in with the mothers on 'Dance Moms'.

In retrospect, maybe Brady should have majored in Psychology instead of Philosophy, but to his credit he was willing to admit he may have been wrong trying to force his wives into using his "Safe Talk" concept before they were ready. That's the biggest difference between Brady and Kody -   how Brady treats, tries to understand and communicates with ALL of his wives. And his willingness to admit he may have been wrong.

I'm hoping that TLC doesn't cancel this series. It was refreshing to watch women who chose a lifestyle trying to work through the difficulties of that choice and to hear it from their mouths instead of from a narcissistic, self-centered  fame whore of a  husband.

In some sense, they are worse off than the Browns - because they chose to leave their church, they are no longer accepted in their community, basically being told to move on and leave their homes. It's not the law making them move, it's their own people who they use to worship with each week.

But there is one question I still have...Brady Williams has been out of the AUB for many years, so why the sudden push to move? It makes me wonder if the AUB didn't want the reality show filming on their property. So was the move necessitated by the show? Will the Williams move into a deluxe,  five home compound behind a gate? Will Nonie continue to feel "like an absolute failure?" or will she be able to work through her feelings of insecurity?

Perhaps in future episodes we will find out.