Just when you thought Kody Brown and his Kodettes© could not sink lower, TLC/F8P shows us, "Hey. You ain't seen nothing yet!"
Oh yeah, this episode was so bad, it became compellingly good TV. Well, good TV in a kinky, non sexual Oedipus Rex meets the Marquis de Sade kind of way.
TLC/F8 outdid themselves. They deserve a standing ovation if not the Emmy for creating the worse road trip ever.
So let's get started, shall we?
The Browns do not travel well. Let me repeat this....THE BROWNS DO NOT TRAVEL WELL...
For one thing, Kody and his wives have no organizational skills. And Kody lacks interpersonal, leadership and basic communication skills, too.
Add some recalcitrant teens, you now have a recipe for disaster.
So what does Kody do, besides bark orders that nobody seems to follow? He laid down the law to "problem" teen, Garrison.
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| Kody giving Garrison his "Me general. You sergeant" spiel... |
Kody decided to tell son Garrison who's who in the Brown military hierarchy. "I'm the general, you're the sergeant" he barks at a less than impressed Garrison.
Unfortunately, Garrison was given the bad boy edit for this episode (and possibly for life), evidenced by his retort back to his father basically telling Mr. Potato Head Dad that during the Russian revolution, the soldiers rebelled against their superiors by shooting them.
Ouch!
Now, I'm no prude when it comes to a good fragging threat, but when that threat comes from a son and is focused at the father, I get a weird vibe. And that ain't a good thing.
Kody, if I were you, I'd sleep with one eye open, if you know what I mean. You might want to double check the black water valve on the RVs really good too while you're at it.
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| Kody contemplating fistfuls of promises and crap |
But before leaving Vegas, Kody had to spring some bad news to his second in command, wife Robyn, and her grunts otherwise known as her sister wives Janelle and Meri. Grunt Christine was given leave, and was thankfully absent from the meeting.
After hemming and hawing for what seemed like a lifetime, Kody broke the bad news to Robyn. It's been eight weeks and the venture capitalists had not paid up on the $250K they promised. In fact, it was likely MSWC wouldn't receive any money, at all.
Surprise, surprise.
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| Robyn contemplating fragging some venture capitalists |
CFO Robyn was heartbroken. "But they promised!" she cried. Kody, ever the stoic priesthood holder solemnly told her to "Put crap in one hand and promise in the other and see which one fills up first."
For once, Robyn shut her piehole and was silent.
Okay, so that didn't really happen, but think how more exciting that scene would have been if it had!
Back to the trip preparations, the Brown parents set departure time as 9:00AM.
Did they leave at 9:00? I ask you, do chickens have teeth???
Christine was useless. She was more concerned with making sure all three remotes for her RVs televisions and DVR were easily assessable. She even yelled at Gwynnie to shut up as Christine yammered on and on about needing to connect their Blue Ray in the RV somehow. It was not surprising at all when Christine admitted how lost she was because her two eldest daughters would not be on the trip to help her out.
No, duh!!
Kody was no better. He yelled at Aurora for not wearing her shoes and tracking "barefeet crap" into the RV. Never mind they were now 40 minutes past departure time. And frankly, why the hell was he making a big deal about "barefeet crap" when it's quite evident the bottom of those kids feet are just as nasty as his, and Janelle's. (Flashback to the episode when Janelle was trying out beds and she slipped off her shoes.)
Meri, Robyn and Janelle were not to be found. I figured they must have been hiding out somewhere wishing the madness would be ending soon.
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| Papa Joe ordering his crew to an efficient, ontime departure |
Watching the Brown Khaos© for the umpteenth time, I could only think of one thing: What would Papa Joe do?
The first (and last) time we saw Papa Joe and his 3 wives (who happen to consist of a pair of twins and their cousin), was that memorable road trip to Oceanside CA, dubbed 'Plyg Vacation' by the Brown Klan©.
Kody may think he is a general; Papa Joe KNOWS he's his family's general and efficiently ordered his 2 vans and a truck caravan and passengers to an impressive ontime departure from both Utah and Las Vegas.
Kody can only dream of possessing Papa Joe's organizational skills. Papa Joe would have had those RVs and passenger van packed and ready to roll in time for the 9:00 departure. NO PROBLEM...
I suppose we should be thankful Kody was able to find his way out of Vegas, but I have a feeling that was due to Meri and appearing as "The Niece" and van driver, Mindy.
Eventually, the Browns were on the road to their Route 66 adventure.
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| Yep, that's the famous corner in Winslow Arizona... |
First stop...Winslow Arizona and the corner made famous in the Eagles' song, "Takin it Easy."
Yes, I do own the Eagles' greatest hits record album. Yes, I said record and it's vinyl. I am old, remember?
Anyway, they take some pictures, meet a shop owner who (surprise!) not only recognized the family, but could name off each of Kody's wives.
Next stop, an RV Park in Holbrook Arizona.
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| Kody pointing out the sewer line and waste valves to Garrison |
This is where Kody proudly declares he has "delegated' sewer duties to sons Hunter and Garrison.
Garrison? I'm getting a bad vibe from this. We also found out wives Meri and Robyn (and her children) were staying at a local motel.
In fact, Kody left his other two families to fend for themselves in the RV park. General Kody stayed at the motel, too. He even had the nerve to declare he was "...going to have to check the attitudes of some of the whiners today" as he moseyed on over to the motel coffee shop for some breakfast the next morning.
Okey, dokey.
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| Yep, that's Janelle's hand snagging some chips at Truely's party |
Turns out, that day was Truely's birthday and the family held a special party for her at the Route 66 Diner. Since Truely has been declared gluten intolerant by her mother Christine, she had a lovely, homemade cake made in Vegas by Christine prior to the trip. I know this because I saw the cake sitting on Christine's counter when she started packing for the trip.
I just hope someone left a nice tip for the table help at the diner...especially since Kody and Christine seemed particularly proud of the fact they trashed the joint and had the nerve to giggle about leaving a mess for someone else to clean up in their couch interview.
Immaturity, your name is Kody and Christine Brown, I swear!
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| Robyn cursing the cold and showing Kody what she'll look like in 5 years... |
Now, according to my map, the diner is in New Mexico, so that means the next stop would be the RV park in Tucumcari.
All I have to say is Karma is definitely a biotch...
After arriving at the RV park, the Brown Krew© discovered it was snowing and freezing outside.
It was dark, and cold and Robyn was cussing and Meri was complaining. They were from Vegas, you know, and they wanted everyone in the RV park to know that.
For some reason, Kody decides
he has to hook the RVs up to the utilities, including the sewer lines.
Kody was jumping around, acting all officious and all, swinging his long, thinning locks in the wind and sleet. I had to wonder, what IS that dude's problem.
And then it happened. General Kody reached to attach the sewer hose to the RV. All of a sudden, a gushing river of Brown crap quickly spilled to the ground. It looked horrendous and must have smelled to high celestial heaven.
It was the funniest scene. Kody cursing and jumping and putting his hands (with those useless gloves) in all that gushing Brown goo while Hunter yelled "Push it in! Dad!"
You see, smarty pants Kody must have been trying to screw the sewer cap back on, instead of simply closing the valves by pushing the levers back in, which would have stopped the flow of Brown crap from the tank.
And to think this Einstein married 4 women and sired 14 children.
Just when it couldn't get any worse, guess who got blamed? No, not Garrison. Kody blamed HUNTER!! I suppose he thought Garrison would be too rebellious to screw up like that. He blamed Hunter for not closing the valves when they left the other RV Park that morning.
Unbelievable...
Of course later in the couch interview, Kody admitted he should have CHECKED the valves first before taking off the sewer cap, but frankly, the damage had already been done. Did he apologize to Hunter? Not on camera. He most likely rationalized his bad behavior by thinking to himself "Well, at the time I DID think Hunter was at fault. So I didn't do anything wrong and don't need to apologize."
All I could think about was, if we are only seeing a fraction of what happens in the Kody household, it must be a living hell to have to live with that guy full time.
Yep, Karma bit Kody in the behind, all right.
So who did it? Who sabotaged the valves? Kody said someone had pulled a "...dirty joke" on him.
I think there's a reason why you first check the valves to make certain they are closed. Kody had no one but himself to blame for that little incident.
Next stop was the Big Texan Steak Ranch where they have this contest. If you can eat a 72 oz. steak and all the trimmings in 60 minutes or less, you get a t-shirt plus your meal is free.
Yep, that contest has Kody written all over it. Especially when it says the meal is free if you can eat the entire steak.
To train for this feat of extreme athleticism, if not gluttony, Kody and Krew© headed out to the nearest gym to work out first. Kody thinks that will make them really hungry. Right...
Finally, they arrive at the steakhouse, located in Amarillo Texas.
In her couch interview Christine says "As a polygamist family we want to just get things for free because it's a low budget thing. Tee hee hee hee!!" Oh how funny...NOT. And they wonder why people accuse them of bleeding the beast.
Hell, the Browns will bleed ANYTHING that crosses their path!
Once settled at the table, we found out not only would Dayton (David), Garrison, Hunter and Kody be eating the beast, Maddie has decided to join them.
However, joy quickly turns to consternation when Maddie notices there's a time limit of 60 minutes, and Kody comes to the realization you've got to finish the side dishes, too.
Eventually, the reality of eating that much beef is too much for them. Garrison goes out first, followed by Maddie and Hunter. Kody lasted for 48 minutes before he called it a day.
It was Dayton (David) who was able to continue eating the full 60 minutes. He did not, however, finish all of his food, but at least he didn't crap out early like the rest of his family.
Hopefully, TLC paid the restaurant bill. But the Brown Kontestants© did snag those t-shirts and enough leftovers to last a couple of days.
Next stop, the RV Park in Oklahoma City, Oklahoma.
According to Christine, this RV Park was the prettiest. But unfortunately, that doggone Garrison had to ruin all the tranquility.
Yes, Garrison lost it when sister Ysabel kept clowning around during family prayer. And no, I don't think Kody nor Janelle possessed the necessary parenting skills to deal with him.
Hunter told Garrison like it was. In their couch interview, Hunter and even brother (from a
different mother) Paedon explained the family is always at least an hour late. "You were really rude..." he told Garrison.
And don't forget it was Garrison who told Kody about the soldiers killing their sergeants. I really fail to see why this apparent animosity between father and son was allowed to be shown and documented for posterity on a 2nd rate, scripted reality show. Was the production team staff writer that hard up for material to flesh out an hour show?
How about scenes of Kody cleaning up that crap left on the ground at the Tucumcari RV Park? How about the vomitorium at the Steakhouse, where surely Kody and the other family participants relieved themselves of all that meat they had eaten?
This whole Garrison is the bad seed edit is disgusting to me. Enough already. And one more thing, I hate how Kody was so dismissive of Gabriel, too. He barely acknowledged Gabriel, and Gabriel barely acknowledged him (see the episode when Kody entered Janelle's house and said Hi to Gabe, who ignored Kody and kept on walking.) Kody literally turned his back to Gabe when he asked a question right after the Garrison "I'm the General" speech.
Before we move on down the road, I just want to point something else that disgusted me to the max.
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| Uh, Kody, there's a reason that hose is WHITE... |
I noticed a grievous sanitary faux pas being committed by Kody. He actually used the white hose (which is to connect the RV to a water supply) to clean out the sewer hose! He STUCK THE HEAD OF THE HOSE DOWN INTO THE SEWER HOSE!!
That was just plain old, jacked up nasty.
As the Brown Karavan© slowly made its way down the long, lonesome highway, it stopped for luncheon on the side of the road.
Do these people ever eat just sandwiches?
And did the Browns clean up all those plates left from sliding down that hill, or did they leave it for someone else to deal with and clean up?
Finally, as the Karavan© rolled into Missouri, we find out the biblical polygamist Richard family will appear on next week's episode.
I can't wait...
