Thursday, September 26, 2013

I Scour the Internet for September 26, 2013

Goodness gracious, what a lot of changes since the last time we had a chance to talk. Lucky for you, I haven't lost my touch scouring the internet for your entertainment!

For instance...

TLC is still riding the wave of Polygamy chic. Not to be outdone by the academic Polygamy, USA series on the even more academic National Geographic channel, TLC recently announced two more "seriously" minded shows focusing mainly on those big bad boys of Fundamentalist Mormon polygamy...yes, I'm referring to the FLDS!!

Now, the one that is probably slated to be a weekly series is called "Breaking the Faith" and premieres on November 24th. According to TLC, this show will follow "...the journey of eight young men and women trying to escape their FLDS lives and build new roots outside the church."

Wait a minute, doesn't that sound suspiciously like another TLC series called "Breaking Amish"?

Makes me wonder just how "real" this new show will be. I can see it all now... After the finale is shown, it will be disclosed that the eight young people are really middle aged actors whose only connection to the FLDS was having lunch at the Merry Wives Café in Hildale/Colorado City...Hmmm

And then there's a show called "Escaping the Prophet" that will follow activist Flora Jessop "...on her mission to expose and destroy the dangerous polygamist cults in America." It's set to premiere sometime in December.

One would think that a prominent public polygamist reality star (you know, Kody Brown) would be quaking in his well-worn buffalo hide sandals at the thought of even more competition in the polygamist arena, but apparently, that's not the case.

I found the following retweet from the Kodster in my Twitter timeline:
Mind you, Kody didn't write a response, but the fact he acknowledged the tweet by retweeting it shows maybe he's not as dense as he appears. After all, he can still continue to shout to everyone willing to listen how HIS form of fundamentalism is different from THEIR form of fundamentalism. Needless to say, it will be interesting how this will all play out in the next few months, for sure!

Not to be outdone in the fundamentalist religion category, TLC also recently posted a blog called "4 Dating Tips from Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar."

Now, call me silly, but who would want to follow the dating tips from Jim Bob and Michelle? I guess we can be thankful it's not tips on contraception techniques.

If you're interested, here are the links to these exciting stories:

One Church Leader and Pastel Prairie Dresses

 4 Dating Tips From Jim Bob & Michelle Duggar



So what's been happening with the rest of the Browns on Twitter this week?

Finally, Robyn answers the question that has been on the minds of their fans for centuries...OK, maybe not centuries, maybe just a couple of seasons (it just seems like centuries):

Who the hell takes care of all those damn kids while the adults are traveling hither and yon to exotic places for their show?


There. Satisfied? I know I am.

And Robyn, what about Kody. Does he wear a different wedding band for each wife, or does he walk on the wild side by allowing his ring finger to go au naturel?



On the subject of four diamonds for four wives, specifically concerning etiquette...Meri, would it ever be proper for a woman to walk up to Kody and ask to be his 5th wife?

Oh dear. Sounds like Meri is still smarting over how Robyn became wife #4.

But at least it seems Meri is still involved in the green koolaid business...

On the topic of the Brown's green koolaid, looks like Janelle likes the color pink instead. C'mon Janelle! Show some solidarity with your hubby and sisterwives marketing biz (unless of course you are making more money shilling the pink exercise stuff)

And the following tweets shows everyone just how far you can push the edge of the envelope with Janelle...and it doesn't look like it's very far, either.


And I bet you thought Robyn was quick to go off on someone. Sheesh, lighten up, Janelle!

Finally, leave it to Christine to maintain her reality (and sanity) her own way, thank you very much...


That's all for now! And remember, I scour the internet, so you don't have to!

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Friday, September 6, 2013

Cynical Jinx Review Sister Wives S06Ep07: Polygamy Questions Answered


Kody showing a little more scalp than usual (photo TLC)

First, let's talk about Kody's hair. Well, maybe his lack of hair.  Okay, so we all know Kody's going a "little" thin on top...but...DAMN!

You would think he'd do something about it, like maybe getting hair plugs during the off season, or whatever miracle hair solution men are using nowadays.

Anyway, at the rate he's going, he will soon have the mother of all comb overs, probably even rivaling The Donald's!

 So how does one recap a half hour Q&A session with the Kody Brown Klan? Beats me, but I can guarantee you that some of it will be entertaining...kind of...maybe...


Aspyn just being her perfect self (photo TLC)


My favorite moment? When Kody asked Aspyn to answer the questions: Which mom's the strictest? Which mom's the easier? She flipped her straight golden hair and deadpanned: "I haven't had anyone be strict with me because I'm perfect!"







Alright Aspyn! You get a Hyrum for your perfect answer!



(photo TLC)
Another moment would have been a favorite, if Kody hadn't ruined it. When Kody asked Paedon "Do your kids want more brothers and sisters..." he replied "Honestly, I don't think we need any more. Seventeen is hard to deal with." Big brother Hunter chimed in "I agree with Paedon. I think we have enough kids."



In my opinion, these were wonderful answers that prove SOMEONE in the Brown Krew was capable of rational thought... But of course, Kody, showing a little bit of jealousy with a LOT of insensitivity tells his sons "You know what? Good thing you don't get to decide. I get to have as many as I want!"

I guess that means Robyn is going to be very very busy, unless Kody brings  his 5th fertile Myrtle to the cul-de-sac.  I'm sure Meri can remake Sol's and Truely's room under the stairs into a bedroom for sisterwife #5 to sleep.

I'm giving Paedon and Hunter each a Hyrum for their honesty (even though it might have been scripted.)


Kody get's a Uncle Art raspie for being a first class a$$ (dollar signs intended) to his boys.




(photo TLC)
Leave it to Hunter again to answer the question on modesty (posed by Robyn, the Queen of Modesty, Purity and whatever virtue she can lay her hands on at the moment) "...how would you want a girl you might like to dress like?" "If it looks good, it looks good!" , he replied. And when Robyn pressed him further by asking "...so if like her bum's hanging out of her pants..." to which he replied "You know, some times it might look good!"


Aww...from the mouths of babes...


Hunter gets another Hyrum for answering Robyn, the semi virtuous Queen's questions with a smile.
The Semi-Virtuous Queen gets a raspie, for proving even a usurper will have their day in Uncle Art's Raspie court!


So for the next segment, (which made me wonder who in their right mind would pay Kody and his Kodypendents any attention, let alone enough $$$$ to own four McMansions) the adults take over the Q&A.

So long candid answers from the teens, hello scripted responses that you'd have to be crazy to believe they were being truthful in their answers.

Let's delve into the question supposedly from a viewer (but not from Sonia Frompa): What was the most embarrassing or awkward moment for each of you on the show.

Now, I thought about this and as a viewer, I thought in terms of what was the most awkward moment for me. You know, watching something that would make me shake my head while murmuring softly "what the hell?"

Kody about to yank that kid out with just one hand!(photo TLC)
Robyn claimed her most embarrassing moment was giving birth to Solomon and having the process filmed for the show. Somehow, I don't believe she was embarrassed one little bit.

Remember.  Christine also gave birth to Truely on film and showed almost as much thigh skin. The only difference was with Christine, a doctor pulled the baby from Christine's nether regions.  Robyn, however,  had KODY pull the baby out.


In fact, Kody was shown lasciviously coaching a moaning Robyn as Sol made his way down her birth canal. GROSSSSSSS!!!


(photo TLC)



So surprisingly enough, I have to agree with Robyn. Her giving birth was extremely awkward to watch, and Kody being a super a$$ mugging for the camera  multiplied the yuck factor by about a hundred times.

Christine's about to blow her top!




Christine said her most embarrassing moment was when she stormed off the set when Kody announced he had chosen Robyn's wedding dress. Ok, I can see how Christine could feel that way, however, in my opinion she had every right to storm off. If it had been me, I would have punched Kody and his biatch Robyn right in their snot lockers first, and then stormed off the stage, driven home, collected my children and called an attorney. But that's just me.


Christine describing how Presbyterians are sharks!

Anyway, from the viewer point of view, I think the most awkward and extremely embarrassing scene was when Kody and his Krew spoke with the Presbyterian minister about their teen program and Christine went crazy,  talking about protecting her children from sharks. And there wasn't even a toaster in the room! AWKWARD!!
How awful to be weighed in public...     (photo TLC)




So what about Janelle? Her most embarrassing moment was having Trainer Bill (remember him?) blurt out to the world and her sister wives how much she weighed. Yeah, that was pretty awful, so I'm going to give Janelle a break and agree with her from my viewer point of reference.
(photo TLC)
Now, for Meri's most embarrassing moment, I had to laugh. In fact I'm still chuckling. I think if I were to look up delusional in the dictionary, Meri's picture would be right there. Her most awkward moment? It was at Big Bear when she yelled at her bonus kids that they better start accepting Robyn's kids or else. Of course, Robyn thought this was Meri's finest hour. I have to disagree...on both counts.


(photo TLC)

For me, the most awkward moment was watching Meri being hoisted out of a Mexican cave and showing a LOT of cleavage. The words "Coming Up..." were prophetic. Something was coming up all right...I think it was my dinner... Meri, Meri, Meri. What happened to that saying Modest is Hottest? Well, at least she wasn't that  horrid oompa loompa orange color.
(photo TLC)

Last, was Kody's awkward moment, from season one just before he tied the spiritual knot with Robyn. It was his anniversary dinner with Meri. You know, when she asked him how would he feel if she had brother husbands.

I find that Kody thinking this was his most awkward moment kind of ridiculous. I mean, if we were to catalogue every dumb Kody moment on Sister Wives, the weight of the books would stop the rotation of the Earth. Or maybe, if placed end to end the books would reach past the Oort Cloud.

(photo TLC)

For me, the most awkward moment was when he laid a big kiss on Meri, just a few feet from the bedroom where Robyn was laboring away. What is it with this guy. He sucks face with Robyn while Christine is giving birth, and then he sucks face with Meri while Robyn's giving birth.

Something tells me this type of behavior is not religion-based.





Sorry Browns. Even though the Q&As with your kids was fun, the rest of the show with you adults sucked eggs. Or rather, blew raspies. Big juicy ones. So I'm giving this episode one big fat Uncle Art Raspie for being a concocted mess. Like the rest of the episodes this season.





Oh, in case anyone is wondering when this show was taped...

(photo TLC)
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Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Cynical Jinx Review Sister Wives S06 Ep06: Robyn's Secret

What the hell was Robyn thinking?
Robyn feeling "vulnerable"
What the hell was Kody thinking?
What the HELL was TLC thinking?

There. I got that off my ample chest.

Before I start my abbreviated review (in homage to the 22 minute runtime of last Sunday's episode), I want to take everyone on a Sister Wive's inspired flashback of Robyn and her "chastity". You know, the purity that keeps on rejuvenating itself.




Here's Christine in the hospital, calling Kody to let him know her water just broke and to get to the hospital ASAP. Remember that Robyn and Kody are still in the "courting" phase of their relationship.



Here's Robyn with Kody in her rented Lehi house,  as he gets the phone call from Christine that she's about to give birth.



Notice how Robyn runs after Kody as he dramatically leaves her rental house for the hospital.
 
See how she slams her door shut on the cameraman, but forgets the mikes she and Kody wears are "hot".

Unfortunately, I can't play the audio for you, but it consists of a lot of giggles from Kody and Robyn and what sounds like slurpy kisses.





As the cameraman opens the door, we see Kody  grabbing Robyn and saying those immortal words "You caught me kissing my girlfriend while my wife is in labor" or words to that effect.





He then lays a big juicy kiss on her lips. Again, apparently for the benefit of the cameraman. We find out later that, in their religion, courting couples are not allowed to kiss until they are married. At least according to Christine, that's how it should be done. And she was born and raised in polygamy. Just an example of Chastity and Purity, Kody and Robyn style.



And as we will soon find out, this has not been Robyn's first time at the "rodeo", if you know what I mean...



 
 
 
But first, let's talk about the Church of Kody. Now that the Browns have moved into their brand new McMansions, Kody has decided it was time to showcase one of his Sunday sermons. It's painfully obvious how seldom Kody holds services. Everyone looked bored. The boys had their feet on the furniture while they gazed mindlessly into their cellphones.

That Kody had to repeatedly tell his children to pay attention to him drove home the realization this guy is not a compelling public speaker.
In fact, my mind kept wandering to Michael Cawley, of Polygamy, USA. He certainly didn't have to tell his children to keep their feet off the furniture, or to pay attention and not check out social media while he was sermonizing.

But there was one thing dead on similar between the two fundamentalists: their choice of topic. For Cawley, it was a discussion of how women in monogamy were condemning their daughters to be harlots in the streets. For Kody, it was asking his fourth wife Robyn to talk about a time in her life when she actually WAS a monogamist harlot, married to a man from a  "well regarded" polygamist family.

Small polygamist world, isn't it?


Here's a summary of Robyn's testimony.

A random man begged Robyn for her purity, which she gladly gave him. When he later broke her heart, (symbolized by Robyn taking what looked like a metal heart tied with ribbon and ceremoniously dumping it onto the poop colored carpeting)  she was distraught. But never fear. Her Knight in shiny Kody armour arrived and showed her true love. Her purity was rejuvenated and she and her 3 children from her previous marriage lived happily ever after in a big McMansion in Las Vegas.

Here is where I have to call out Robyn on her BS story. Yes, you that read it correctly.

You see, Robyn continued her little sermon by saying a tenet of her faith was that men and women have to be chaste before marriage. That was her message to the teenage Browns. But wait, let's go back to my flashback earlier. According to Christine, her religion's idea of chastity extends to no kissing between a man and woman who is not his WIFE. But lo and behold, that's not what happened with Kody and Robyn. They were sucking face (and Lord knows what else) long before they ever got married.
Robyn looking contrite when Kody spilt the beans about her dress
Is it just me seeing a pattern of behavior here? And who believes she talked about her lack of sexual restraint to Kody and wives prior to their courting?

Look, we're talking the same woman who thought her future sisterwives didn't need to know she asked Kody to choose her wedding dress - and blamed Kody for opening his mouth saying he should have just kept it shut.


So I suppose we can chalk this up to that old saying...Do as I say, Not as I do. Which is convenient because it turns out her big secret was...she got pregnant before marriage.

Unfortunately, due to her limited communication skills, her message kind of came out screwy. Luckily, through the miracle of social media, we can kind of see what she meant. 

Well, at least we can see her backpedaling her way through the crap she caused by haphazardly telling millions of viewers worldwide about something that should have remained private within her family.



 But wait, seven minutes later you say you regret your children weren't sired by Kody. I am sooooo confused!!!
I'm going to call this the Kody is My Soul Mate Theory, which would explain how her 3 existing children would be miraculously transformed into Kody Brown offspring by having his Brown DNA destroying the Jessop DNA from their bodies. Of course, they will look different, but that's beside the point.

Anyway. as proof of  how successful her sermon in the McMansion was, her favorite bonus child Hunter  said "... Honestly, I don't think there's something wrong with [having premarital sex] if you're in a committed relationship with someone you actually love." Perhaps he has formed that opinion from seeing his mother in a committed relationship with a married man. Hmmmm.....



Taking yet another cue from HBO's Big Love, Kody decides he wants to bury a time capsule in their compound's backyard. Of course, the children put in toys, and pictures. I think Savanah's was the most meaningful - a picture of her house being built. Some of the other children opted to place toys, perhaps not understanding that by the time they would see that toy again, they would be sophomores in high school.



I couldn't help but giggle at Meri's items. It was a  necklace from MSWC and a "thank you for shopping at MSWC" photo, sitting on top of what could be all those backordered items customers were complaining about. Well, that's one way to get rid of them, right?


Let's just hope they remember where Kody dug that hole and not cover it with tons of concrete when they put in a sidewalk or something between Meri's and Robyn's McMansions.






Okay, just some odds and ends I noticed from this episode.


 
Robyn did say she left home for Montana when she was nineteen, but she didn't say she got married at nineteen. Which means she had a prolonged period of unchasteness and should have been burned at the stake. Or at least used some form of birth control. Like abstinence, for example. Oh wait, he BEGGED for it. Never mind.


 
I'm not feeling the love between the Browns and their production company any more. For example, in the above scene, the voice over was Robyn talking about her purity issues (or lack thereof). At first the scene was compelling - Meri appeared to be consoling a distraught Mariah by rubbing her back, and Ysabel looked like she was about to cry. The only problem is, look who's in the lower right hand corner of the frame. Why it's Robyn!  You know, if Robyn's talking at the front of the room, how can she simultaneously be seated in the audience? Couldn't the production company's editor find some other film clip to use?

Oh wait, we're talking Robyn, so anything is possible, right?
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