Sister Wives: July 4th Rebellion S03E07

Cue the ominous music - Sister Wives is about to begin! You would think after three seasons I would know not to get too excited. But I always do. Major fail for me.

As Kody intones "Vegas is really hot on the 4th of July", we see Christine marshaling her brood outside to test just how hot it really is. Now as anyone who lives in a hot climate knows - we have to put up with all sorts of questions of just how hot it is. For example, if we say it was 118 degrees yesterday, invariably someone will wisecrack "But I bet it was a dry heat!" Or sometimes, people want to know how it feels to be so hot outside - and I tell them to turn their oven on 500 degrees. Wait a few minutes, then stick their head into the oven. THAT's how hot it feels.

But the proverbial "it's so hot you can fry an egg on the sidewalk", there is a defined way to go about that demonstration. Unfortunately, Christine's was not the way.

First, you put the egg directly on the sidewalk, not in a frying pan. And actually, I've heard opening the egg on the actual street tarmac is best because dark colored items retains heat better. Second, it has to be during the heat of the day, and trust me, if it were hot enough to fry an egg on the sidewalk, you would not want to be outside, anyway. That's why air conditioning was invented. Third, if we are to believe the temperature shown on the thermometer, 98 degrees is simply not hot enough for this experiment to succeed. Major fail Christine.

I'm thinking, if this is any indication of what this episode is going to be like, this is going to be an excruciating half hour.

As Kody continues, the heat is "...just o' pressive. So we're gathering the family. We're gonna get out of this heat...we're hitting Big Bear Lake in California!"

What is it about Kody that he always needs to be running away from something? He ran away from the "o' pressive" law enforcement in Utah. Now he's running away from the "o' pressive" heat in Nevada.

Kody, it's beginning to look like a pattern.

But first, we find out Christine's eight year old daughter Ysabel is moving in with Meri. Yep, seems like one the "perks" of polygamy is you can farm off your kid to another sisterwife. Of course, Christine gives the reason as Ysabel just doesn't respect her. And Shit for Brains (SfB) Kody thinks "its the funniest thing..." that Ysabel doesn't respect her mother. Thank goodness Christine did interrupt SfB Kody by saying "IT IS NOT THE FUNNIEST THING!"

So Christine, whose idea was it for Ysabel to move in with Meri?" Oh really, it was SfB Kody's , huh? And you listened. Wow. Christine, who's older, you or the eight year old? Major fail #2, Christine.

And I will choose to ignore your statement that maybe Ysabel was meant to be Meri's child not yours. On second thought, I can't ignore it. Major fail #3 Christine.

Shut up, SHUT UP SHUT UP ROBYN!! Dear Lord, that woman is insufferable! Blah blah blah...why don't we call them BONUS CHILDREN when Kody says "there is technically not a coined term for another mother's children." I rather like Meri's short response "I always refer to them as my kids". 'Nuff said. Now get back on your broomstick and fly away, Robyn! And take SfB Kody with ya!



 Robyn lays out her evil plan to prevent Meri from having to suffer empty nest syndrome by having her daughter Breanna move in with Meri, too. Holy cow. Meri, run away now! Because if you don't, YOU will be taking care of Kody's and Robyn's BONUS CHILDREN. Run like the wind and don't look back!

 Meri's most memorable words this episode (and probably this season) were spoken to the camera..."Do you like how they're talking about me like I'm not even here?". No Meri, we don't like it at all. Major fail #1 for not standing up for yourself.

  
Good gracious, when is the road trip going to start? We're only ten minutes into this episode and it seems like it has been on for hours. I want to see tires blowing, engines blowing and Kody leading the pack in his "old" $60K (when new) Lexus sportscar. Haha, SfB Kody makes a funny and calls his sports car his 5th wife. I guess he's relegated his hair to 6th wife status.

Did I tell ya'll that when I was in 5th grade, my Girl Scout troop camped out at Big Bear? And I got my camping badge? And that I hated EVERY SINGLE SECOND including the campfire which the troop leader had to put out because the forest ranger told her there was a fire warning and only fires for cooking were being allowed and the forced hike we had to make the next day.

 I can really relate to the teenagers - I mean, they aren't even getting a badge out of this torture, so what's the point?


Is there a Stupid Motorist Law in Big Bear? They need one, cause driving those cars into water like that was just plain stupid. And who takes a damn sports car on a camping trip, anyway?

Why didn't Janelle put the plate down and just drive Hunter et al to the lake so they could fish instead of making him wait? What was the point?

Logan doesn't like being called Johnny Appleseed

And Hunter calling Logan a Johnny Appleseed. Is this how the teenagers of polygamist fight? Your mother smells of elderberries and wears army boots! Take that!

Breanna crying...Again

Good grief Breanna. Come on, we all know you take after your mother, who can cry at the drop of a hat. Well, pretend cry.

Who can forget this child boohooing last season because someone pulled her hair? This episode it's someone hitting her in the eye. Next week it'll be someone stepping on her foot. Whatever.

Nice show of support by the sisterwives for Meri actually doing what a parent should do - discipline their children. I expect inaction from Robyn and Kody - but Christine and Janelle? Major fails for Christine and Janelle. Christine you are now on probation.


For those of you wondering why I haven't given any major fails to Robyn and SfB Kody. It's simple. They failed the program a long time ago.

Robyn, no one believes your fake crying anymore. Yeah, like you are so worried your children will want to leave you. The only saving grace is we see Robyn make yet another face, one that will cement her position as the sister wife most likely to look like a witch when she grows older. Wow, sometimes words just can't describe....

Your Thoughts?

REAL SISTERWIVES OF CENTENNIAL PARK, or HOW A POLYGAMIST MAN with a REAL JOB TAKES CARE OF HIS FAMILY, or THAT'S NO SPACE STATION, THAT'S A POLYGAMIST'S BIG ASS HOUSE!

A few nights ago, I took a virtual tour of Centennial Park via Google Earth. I love Google Earth - especially Street View. I have saved thousands of dollars taking virtual vacations to places like Corsica, San Francisco, New York city, my backyard. But let's get back to the topic, shall we?

I came across an old article - New York Times, no less - that anonymously interviewed some polygamists about their, um, big-ass mansions. Surprisingly, these men were very proud (although secretive). What kills me is the owner of this abode, that would best be described as an earth docked space station, wanted to be anonymous. So you built yourself and your wives a mansion that could give the old Candy Spelling Manor a run for its money (Well, maybe a fast sprint...) AND you want to remain anonymous...I.am.finally.at.a.loss.for.words.

So much for being subtle. Unfortunately, there is no street-view or bird's eye view available for this behemoth.* But I can tell you from my discerning Google Earth trained eyeballs, this is a seriously huge mansion. I mean look how it dwarfs those cars in the parking lot!

But enough ramblings from me, let's hear from the actual owner! Here's his excerpt from the NYTimes:

　
A House, 10 Wives: Polygamy in Suburbia

By FLORENCE WILLIAMS
Published: December 11, 1997 　

http://www.nytimes.com/1997/12/11/garden/a-house-10-wives-polygamy-in-suburbia.html

[...]

The most opulent home visited was also the strictest in terms of mandating communal living. The 35,000-square-foot house was designed and built by a financier and fundamentalist in his 40's who agreed to be interviewed only on condition of anonymity and declined to be photographed.

His two-year-old, neo-Ramada-Inn style house in Southern Utah has 37 bathrooms and 31 bedrooms, this for 10 wives and 28 children. ''Think of it this way,'' he said. ''It's just like having 10 families with a fairly typical average of 2.8 children each. The only thing unusual is there's only one father.''

And some high dental bills.

Despite the capaciousness of the house, all the wives share a central kitchen. By schedule, they rotate child-care duties, cooking, cleaning, yard work and gardening.

The house is shaped like an airplane propeller with three radiating blades. Two of the blades house bedrooms for wives and children (the latter are grouped by age and share bedrooms with half siblings).

''We do very well in maintaining our individuality,'' said the first wife, whose country-style bedroom is on the first floor, directly across from her three youngest children. ''Almost every wife has her own talents in decorating.

Each of us is comfortable in her own sphere, and if we ever need time to be by ourselves, we can do that. I'm not a loner though. I love to be around the other women.''

HOW do the other wives feel? ''Naturally some wives get along better than others,'' she said. ''Every day it takes an effort. We have to want to get along.''

The third wing, with parquet floors, 20-foot ceilings and airy arched windows, is for formal entertaining. This wing also houses the husband's office, library and bedroom suite, whose four-sided fireplace, central Jacuzzi and cherry four-poster bed can only be described as swank.

Showing it off, the Man of the House said, ''Isn't it dreamy?''

The building's central hub is part industrial-size kitchen, part day-care center. ''We're a 24-hour restaurant,'' one of the wives said. The area was crowded with 4 refrigerators, 2 dishwashers and 14 counter stools. Rooms just off the hub are a home theater, a computer room and several bathrooms with specially designed child-height counters. ''The home is very children-oriented,'' the Man said.

The design shows the inherent tension between a rigorous need for order and the tendency toward chaos that befalls very large families. The wives have worked out a pro-rata system for child-care based upon how many infants they have contributed to the pool. An eight-foot wall surrounds the five-and-a-half-acre- property, as much to keep the children in their sandboxes or on the tennis and basketball courts as to keep intruders out.

An intercom system keeps everyone in touch.

''Believe me,'' the Man said, ''there are cheaper ways to have sex. We feel it's the best deal on earth to live together and work together, and the architecture absolutely shows that.''

 

Hold the phone... did he say "there are cheaper ways to have sex"? Aren't those the same words uttered by Robyn Sullivan Brown on Sister Wives? I'm telling you, we need to get a copy of that Sisterwives Indoctrination Manual.

Maybe Kody Brown's house he's "building" for his family (no doubt funded by TLC and that mysterious family business) will be so big it will stop the rotation of the earth. It will be big enough to house at least 100 wives and a thousand children (sorry Robyn) and have a room constructed solely for Kody and his hair, lined with mirrors so he can watch himself as he flexes his manly muscles. And cameras, lots of cameras. And garages for all of Kody's toys, including his Bentley, and his Maserati, and Robyn's Maybach, and of course his beloved Lexus and Harley. Hey, Kody can dream can't he?

* Almost four years after this blog article was written, a "bird's eye view" does exist of this mansion...