Cynical Jinx' Review: Sister Wives S06Ep01: Picking Up the Pieces

Kody channeling the Geico Caveman...notice the balding!

I'm just going to say it. I've been spoiled by Polygamy, USA. I really miss that show. For one thing, most of what we see in this episode was filmed ALMOST A YEAR AGO. I mean, c'mon, even Honey Boo Boo and Polygamy,USA had faster production turn around times.

And it doesn't help matters that the Browns have documented their lives in between seasons on their Twitter accounts. Seriously, this episode was mostly a waste of time.



So I'm gonna start using a system to rate the story lines for this season of Sister Wives. If it is interesting or fun, I will give it a Hyrum.

If it is full of crap, I will give it an Uncle Art Raspie. I wanted to give it an Uncle Art Boot but he moved too fast and I couldn't capture the picture. Anyway, I kinda like his sexy blue lips.


Let's begin this journey, shall we?

First of all, this is to the producers, film editors, story writers...whoever was responsible for the first five minutes of the show. It was not necessary to rehash the previous seasons. I mean, you would have to be living under a very big rock not to know how and why the Browns relocated to Las Vegas. Especially since we all know Kody running away from Lehi like he stole something was all a gimmick for the show. Showing Meri packing up that moving van while fake police sirens blared in the background was extremely dumb. And what gives with those apparently over entitled Brown teens complaining about having to live in rental housing? They should be thankful it wasn't a homeless shelter.



Yep, I'm giving the ridiculous rehash the first  Raspie ever given. Enjoy!

Next up was the adult Browns doing an obligatory framing walk through of the McMansions. This walk through took place in October of 2012. I know this because it said "60 Days Before Christmas" across the bottom of my TV screen.

Now, I've never had a home built from scratch, but I've always imagined it would be something like that wonderful old film, "Mr Blandings Builds His Dream House". Unfortunately, Kody is no Cary Grant, but the scenes where his wives start noticing discrepancies in the floor plans reminded me of when Mrs Blandings (Myrna Loy) walked through her house and noticed some problems, just like Meri, Robyn and Christine did. Hey, you don't think...oh noes! You mean those krazy producers scripted out the whole "these builders are too incompetent to follow a blueprint" scene for DRAMA?

 

Well, if it ain't WHAM, it ain't HAM! (Or something like that.). I'm gonna give my own self a Hyrum for that one!

Meri looking like she's enjoyed a lot of WHAM last year

That kind of explained why  Danny, the VP of Pinnacle Homes (you know, the builders) was so nonchalant about misplaced doorways. If I were the VP, I would have been mortified that 1) the construction crew couldn't read the blueprints correctly and 2) IT WAS ALL BEING DOCUMENTED ON FILM! But he just smiled and said something like "Oh yeah, we'll take care of it. Thanks for noticing it." Holy cow, what does THAT say about their customer service?


And does anyone understand why Robyn was so concerned about the lack of sunlight coming into a bedroom? Hey Robyn, you live in the desert. When it's 120 degrees outside, you do NOT want a lot of sunlight pouring into a room because it will take a lot of refrigeration to cool it down. And that means an electric bill the size of Kody's ego.

And it is really dumb how Kody keeps piping up in the couch interview "We don't own those houses, yet." Yeah, yeah, yeah. I believe that as much as I believe Christine wants a library.

Oh yeah, this segment is definitely deserving of a Raspie.


Good grief.  The next segment was about Robyn taking her hobby online business to the What Women Want Expo in St George. It started out with the family business meeting from Hell (in which Christine showed Robyn exactly what kind of polygamist mettle she was made of) and ended with a defeated Robyn licking her wounds in St. George. So let's start with the family meeting.

Robyn has absolutely no business sense at all. Her jewelry is overpriced, and ugly. Even though Meri has a commitment elsewhere, Robyn wanted Meri to drive 4 hours to St George, stay for half an hour then turn around and drive back to Vegas. That just doesn't make any sense, and makes me wonder what other harebrained business decisions this woman has made.  At least it looked like she's made it to page 3 of her 200 page MSWC idea sketchbook. Wow, and it only took her a year to do it.

When Christine and Janelle made it clear to Robyn that her "hobby" business already cost them a lot of money, not only did Robyn act as if they had stabbed her in the back, she literally crumbled when Christine and Janelle announced they were going to pursue real estate in order to pay their bills.

Okay, okay, so Christine's and Janelle's real estate jobs are kind of like, well, only for appearances purposes, at least they were thinking rationally and truthfully about the situation. Like when Christine said " I never intended to do more than this" meaning she supported Robyn's business by attending MSWC meetings and not walking out of them in disgust. Whether Robyn wants to admit it or not, MSWC was solely her idea, and it wasn't fair to demand her sister wives give 100% in an endeavor they believed won't amount to a hill of beans.

And here is where the irony of reality rears it's ugly head. Remember Robyn's tweets last year about getting her manicures and hair done because she works so darn hard she deserved to take a break? And don't forget her bringing in sister Taralyce to watch her kids while she  'worked'. In my book, girlfriend needs to work a little bit harder. She needs an Uncle Art throwing his boot at her silly head because all she really wanted was someone to boss around and do work while she enjoyed getting her nails and hair done, acting like the businesswoman she isn't.

 

 

To quote Christine: I'm sorry, but Robyn you deserve this Raspie.

 

I think Christine and Janelle deserve to enjoy a shared Hyrum for standing up to Robyn. I think it's ok because they are polygamists, so they're  use to sharing a man, right?

 

 

By the time the Kody Krew (sans Meri who defied Robyn by not driving to St George until the next day) arrived in St George, Robyn was all aflutter. You see, she's from St George, and she knows just how mean those non-polygamist people can be. So, if you know St George doesn't like polygamists, why would you go there to sell your polygamist branded overpriced, ugly jewelry with a big old sign announcing the name of your "store" as My Sister Wife's Closet? Even the plygs of Centennial Park had the good sense to call their restaurant business located just outside of Colorado City the 'Merry Wives Cafe'. Maybe she should have called her business Robyn's Closet after all?

 

Robyn gets a Raspie for not knowing who her customers are, and poor branding.

And Kody is no better at being a business mastermind. When the expo opened and people were milling around their booth, Kody's main concern was for the crowd to show him their wallet. Needless to say, due to the utter lack of salesmanship of the Kody Krew (like, isn't that Kody's real 'job'?) - they needed to sell over 120 pieces of jewelry by Janelle's accounting to break even - by the end of the expo they only sold 19 pieces.

Now, if I remember correctly, the 2012 Christmas Ornament (for $19.95) was introduced at the expo and apparently sold out. Does it take a rocket scientist to realize maybe the jewelry is overpriced? Christine came to that conclusion by scoping out the other booths that were selling jewelry, but Robyn couldn't figure it out. And Kody, also without a clue, just wanted people (their FANS) to open up their wallets and give the Browns all their money for some expensive crap because he thinks it's "iconic". And when their fan base didn't come through, Kody placed the blame on those bible thumping anti-polygamists.

Really Kody, if polygamists are not liked in St George, perhaps you shouldn't rub St George citizen's faces in the fact you're a polygamist. Either stand proud or stand down, Kody. And Janelle, enough with the Stand by Your Man admiration of your 7th child.

Kody, Robyn and Janelle all share an Uncle Art Raspie. Christine and Meri lucked out this time.

Once it was all over, it was so painfully obvious Robyn had no clue what women wanted, and the lack of sales clearly demonstrated the women at the expo did not want to waste any money on the "iconic" crapfest known as MSWC. And I don't care how much Robyn sobs that the four families need MSWC in order to stay together. No, Robyn, the four families needs the 5 adults to get off their collective fat asses and GET REAL JOBS!

And what episode would be complete without the continuing saga of Meri and whether she has decided to take Robyn up on her offer to be a surrogate for her. Meri tells Robyn she doesn't know what she wants. Robyn tells Meri she doesn't want to pressure her because she wants Meri to be free to have a choice of having a baby. Meri tells Robyn she doesn't know what she wants. Robyn tells Meri she wants her to have a choice because Meri gave Robyn the choice to marry Kody. Meri feels guilty. Robyn cries. Poor Sol ages another year. And Meri still doesn't make a decision. What the HELL!!!

Yep, these two "ladies" share a Raspie for wasting viewers time having to watch this nonsense!

Thank goodness, the final minutes of the episode was focused on Sol's first birthday party. I'd give it a Hyrum, but I don't think releasing balloons into the air is an environmentally sound practice.

Sol's balloons inside Meri's house before being released outside

As the balloons celebrating Sol's birthday slowly lift off into the upper atmosphere, we are left to ponder - wouldn't that many balloons be a threat to aviation flying in the vicinity?

The Happy Birthday Boy, King Sol (the one with the pointed hat)

Sol's birthday balloons about to be set free

The Long and Short of It

I have a feeling this new season of Sister Wives is going to be a big fat overly wrought out hot mess of a season.

The story lines TLC wants the audience to believe are as follows.

The McMansions 

Will they or won't they move into those overpriced huge McMansions. Will Meri get that damn wet bar. I have a feeling this will be drawn out, although if you follow their twitter faithfully, SOMEONE moved into the homes - there have been too many "accidental" tweets (that mysteriously disappeared as quickly as they appeared) showing the film crew filming. Or of Brown relatives wrestling each other in a great room far larger than any room in the rentals.


Will Meri have another baby?

Here's another TLC/production company storyline created to entice viewers by tugging at those maternal heartstrings. Poor, barren Meri...but wait, she's got a fertile SISTER WIFE willing and able (at least almost 2 years ago when Sol was born) to be a surrogate! Robyn has stated as long as she's breastfeeding Sol, she will not be getting pregnant, which is fine, but come on already. I see this as just another manipulation - perhaps on Robyn's part, to delay the inevitable nope - ain't gonna happen  ending as long as possible.

Robyn and her My Sister Wife's Closet Hobby Business

This is such a ripoff of Big Love's sister wife Margene's jewelry business. Something tells me someone will be making money off of My Sister Wife's closet...but it won't be the Browns. Let me repeat that - Someone will be making money off of My Sister Wife's Closet but it won't be the Browns.

Side Trips to Exciting Places

Of course, there will be side stories about road trips, but not to Disneyland...we know that from the Dargers the mean Disney folks either wouldn't comp their admission fees or wouldn't allow cameras...maybe for both reasons. Who knows?


Birthday Parties. Christmas, and any other holiday for that matter.

Well, we just saw a party for King Solomon's first birthday. I suspect Kody's birthday will be highlighted. I will be very surprised if any of the other children birthday's will be shown. That's such a pity because they (along with the interactions between the wives) are what makes the show most interesting. And of course, Kody's presents (both birthday and Christmas) will demand primetime treatment.

Time will tell! Stay tuned!