Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Cynical Jinx Review Sister Wives S06 Ep06: Robyn's Secret

What the hell was Robyn thinking?
Robyn feeling "vulnerable"
What the hell was Kody thinking?
What the HELL was TLC thinking?

There. I got that off my ample chest.

Before I start my abbreviated review (in homage to the 22 minute runtime of last Sunday's episode), I want to take everyone on a Sister Wive's inspired flashback of Robyn and her "chastity". You know, the purity that keeps on rejuvenating itself.




Here's Christine in the hospital, calling Kody to let him know her water just broke and to get to the hospital ASAP. Remember that Robyn and Kody are still in the "courting" phase of their relationship.



Here's Robyn with Kody in her rented Lehi house,  as he gets the phone call from Christine that she's about to give birth.



Notice how Robyn runs after Kody as he dramatically leaves her rental house for the hospital.
 
See how she slams her door shut on the cameraman, but forgets the mikes she and Kody wears are "hot".

Unfortunately, I can't play the audio for you, but it consists of a lot of giggles from Kody and Robyn and what sounds like slurpy kisses.





As the cameraman opens the door, we see Kody  grabbing Robyn and saying those immortal words "You caught me kissing my girlfriend while my wife is in labor" or words to that effect.





He then lays a big juicy kiss on her lips. Again, apparently for the benefit of the cameraman. We find out later that, in their religion, courting couples are not allowed to kiss until they are married. At least according to Christine, that's how it should be done. And she was born and raised in polygamy. Just an example of Chastity and Purity, Kody and Robyn style.



And as we will soon find out, this has not been Robyn's first time at the "rodeo", if you know what I mean...



 
 
 
But first, let's talk about the Church of Kody. Now that the Browns have moved into their brand new McMansions, Kody has decided it was time to showcase one of his Sunday sermons. It's painfully obvious how seldom Kody holds services. Everyone looked bored. The boys had their feet on the furniture while they gazed mindlessly into their cellphones.

That Kody had to repeatedly tell his children to pay attention to him drove home the realization this guy is not a compelling public speaker.
In fact, my mind kept wandering to Michael Cawley, of Polygamy, USA. He certainly didn't have to tell his children to keep their feet off the furniture, or to pay attention and not check out social media while he was sermonizing.

But there was one thing dead on similar between the two fundamentalists: their choice of topic. For Cawley, it was a discussion of how women in monogamy were condemning their daughters to be harlots in the streets. For Kody, it was asking his fourth wife Robyn to talk about a time in her life when she actually WAS a monogamist harlot, married to a man from a  "well regarded" polygamist family.

Small polygamist world, isn't it?


Here's a summary of Robyn's testimony.

A random man begged Robyn for her purity, which she gladly gave him. When he later broke her heart, (symbolized by Robyn taking what looked like a metal heart tied with ribbon and ceremoniously dumping it onto the poop colored carpeting)  she was distraught. But never fear. Her Knight in shiny Kody armour arrived and showed her true love. Her purity was rejuvenated and she and her 3 children from her previous marriage lived happily ever after in a big McMansion in Las Vegas.

Here is where I have to call out Robyn on her BS story. Yes, you that read it correctly.

You see, Robyn continued her little sermon by saying a tenet of her faith was that men and women have to be chaste before marriage. That was her message to the teenage Browns. But wait, let's go back to my flashback earlier. According to Christine, her religion's idea of chastity extends to no kissing between a man and woman who is not his WIFE. But lo and behold, that's not what happened with Kody and Robyn. They were sucking face (and Lord knows what else) long before they ever got married.
Robyn looking contrite when Kody spilt the beans about her dress
Is it just me seeing a pattern of behavior here? And who believes she talked about her lack of sexual restraint to Kody and wives prior to their courting?

Look, we're talking the same woman who thought her future sisterwives didn't need to know she asked Kody to choose her wedding dress - and blamed Kody for opening his mouth saying he should have just kept it shut.


So I suppose we can chalk this up to that old saying...Do as I say, Not as I do. Which is convenient because it turns out her big secret was...she got pregnant before marriage.

Unfortunately, due to her limited communication skills, her message kind of came out screwy. Luckily, through the miracle of social media, we can kind of see what she meant. 

Well, at least we can see her backpedaling her way through the crap she caused by haphazardly telling millions of viewers worldwide about something that should have remained private within her family.



 But wait, seven minutes later you say you regret your children weren't sired by Kody. I am sooooo confused!!!
I'm going to call this the Kody is My Soul Mate Theory, which would explain how her 3 existing children would be miraculously transformed into Kody Brown offspring by having his Brown DNA destroying the Jessop DNA from their bodies. Of course, they will look different, but that's beside the point.

Anyway. as proof of  how successful her sermon in the McMansion was, her favorite bonus child Hunter  said "... Honestly, I don't think there's something wrong with [having premarital sex] if you're in a committed relationship with someone you actually love." Perhaps he has formed that opinion from seeing his mother in a committed relationship with a married man. Hmmmm.....



Taking yet another cue from HBO's Big Love, Kody decides he wants to bury a time capsule in their compound's backyard. Of course, the children put in toys, and pictures. I think Savanah's was the most meaningful - a picture of her house being built. Some of the other children opted to place toys, perhaps not understanding that by the time they would see that toy again, they would be sophomores in high school.



I couldn't help but giggle at Meri's items. It was a  necklace from MSWC and a "thank you for shopping at MSWC" photo, sitting on top of what could be all those backordered items customers were complaining about. Well, that's one way to get rid of them, right?


Let's just hope they remember where Kody dug that hole and not cover it with tons of concrete when they put in a sidewalk or something between Meri's and Robyn's McMansions.






Okay, just some odds and ends I noticed from this episode.


 
Robyn did say she left home for Montana when she was nineteen, but she didn't say she got married at nineteen. Which means she had a prolonged period of unchasteness and should have been burned at the stake. Or at least used some form of birth control. Like abstinence, for example. Oh wait, he BEGGED for it. Never mind.


 
I'm not feeling the love between the Browns and their production company any more. For example, in the above scene, the voice over was Robyn talking about her purity issues (or lack thereof). At first the scene was compelling - Meri appeared to be consoling a distraught Mariah by rubbing her back, and Ysabel looked like she was about to cry. The only problem is, look who's in the lower right hand corner of the frame. Why it's Robyn!  You know, if Robyn's talking at the front of the room, how can she simultaneously be seated in the audience? Couldn't the production company's editor find some other film clip to use?

Oh wait, we're talking Robyn, so anything is possible, right?

Saturday, August 24, 2013

Cynical Jinx Review: Sister Wives S06Ep05 Christmas Surprise

You know, I'm going to take a cue from the producers of Sister Wives and begin my review with a flashback.

Flashback three years ago, the Lehi season. Pre-Vegas move. Pre-Robyn marriage. Kody was a shaggy-haired dude who drove a Lexus sportscar, and had a job. He even wore a business suit with a tie.

Flashforward to 8 months ago. This is the "current" time period for this season of Sister Wives. In Vegas for two years, a shaggy-haired, sandal wearing,  disheveled  Kody has plunked his four wives and 17 children into four massive McMansions, located in a semi-secluded gated cul-de-sac.

But it wouldn't be a Sister Wives episode without some totally unnecessary suspense, so the story line is...even though their credit is kind of shaky (with Robyn's credit being the shakiest of all according to the credit repair guy featured on the show last season) they mysteriously have all qualified for mortgages - almost $2 million dollars worth surprisingly enough.

But here's the problem. Because Meri and Kody did not submit their paperwork in time, only  Janelle, Robyn and Christine will be moving into the cul-de-sac by Christmas. OOPPSIES!!!! Anyway, this week's episode chronicles the move  of three wives, a late Christmas celebration, two cheating wives,  one wife learning that karma can be a bitch and a spoiled child whose meltdown was not only over-dramatic but could burn crepes, too.

Oh yeah, and a Christmas Surprise from Robyn.

Let's begin, shall we?



It is moving day for the wives. Surprisingly, every one helps out, including Robyn. Somehow I always thought she would have some excuse not to do manual labor, for instance, moving boxes would ruin her manicure or she needed to be available to feed Sol or something. But no, there she was front and center, helping out with all the rest.



Robyn, Christine, Janelle and Meri all  get a Hyrum for helping out each other. What nice sister wives they are!


Of course, the Browns just have to mention the FLDS and Warren Jeffs. Really, we already know the Browns are AUB (even though they don't mention it) with no affiliation to FLDS. Kind of reminds me of the CPAC lady from Polygamy, USA who was so vocal that they were never part of the FLDS. I guess fundamentalist Mormons are a bit touchy about these things.

But when Kody announced in a couch interview that the cul-de-sac, with its gated entry and high block fence looked like a compound, Christine had a fit. "Don't say that!" she yelled at him during the couch interview. Even Janelle agreed, it does look like a polygamist compound.

The outer wall of the cul-de-sac
And comparing the two, I also have to agree. The FLDS compound in Colorado City (where Warren Jeffs lived and housed his many wives) is surrounded by a cement wall, and so is the cul-de-sac. Entry to the FLDS compound is only through a gate, and guess what? The same entry for the cul-de-sac.
FLDS Compound in Colorado City
.





Oh, and by the way Christine... from Merriam-Webster Dictionary

Definition of COMPOUND
: a fenced or walled-in area containing a group of buildings and especially residences

For example, the Kennedy Family Compound on Martha's Vineyard, or perhaps the Vanderbilt or Rockefeller Compounds. How about the George HW Bush Compound in Kennebunkport?

So I guess being stereotyped as living in a compound can be a positive. You're in good company with people who own real mansions. I rest my case.



Christine gets a double Uncle Art Raspie for being an insufferable twit about the word compound and Kody gets a Raspie for bringing it up in the first place. Christine needs to build a bridge and get over it. Sheesh.

Back to Sister Wives.



Mariah's Meltdown or It Smells Like Teen Angst Just Burnt the Crepes!

Come on everyone. You're seventeen years old, you're not an adult but you want to be, while at the same time you're scared to death of leaving the relative security of home, family and high school in a few short months for college. Add to that mixture your parents are polygamists AND you're living in a monogamist society far away from your Church and other families just like yours. Plus you have a mother who doesn't keep promises, and a father who acts like he's a kewl surfer dude but you know he's just a poseur. I bet you would have a bit of a meltdown, too.

I'll make this short, yet ever so sweet. Mariah, like many teens her age, feels that it's not right and not fair that her mother, her dad's legal wife, has not been approved for her house yet. In her own words, she is pissed. Teen angst personified.

Some of her best scenes:


Here's Mariah sitting in her car like a zombie, ignoring her mother except to emphatically scream "I'm Pissed!" at the appropriate time.

 
Here's Mariah channeling Bette Davis (Joan Crawford was busy) for inspiration. Bette used this same look in Hush Hush Sweet Charlotte, just before killing her cousin and a family friend  with a huge clay flower pot while they drank champagne below her on the porch.


In this scene with her Dad, Mariah practices the look Bette used in Whatever Happened to Baby Jane, just before she brought her sister Blanche a wholesome lunch of grilled parakeet on tomato slices. Notice the quivering lips.


Last, the piece de resistance. Mariah's crepes she allowed  to smolder slowly into a burnt mess. Death by sterno. What a horrible way to go!



It's January 2nd, the day the Browns celebrated Christmas. Lovely Savanah waits patiently for the rest of her extensive family to wake up. Lucky for her, Meri was up, so they ran hand in hand to each wife's house to wake everybody up so they could open their presents.





Robyn gave Kody a gift that he says, shocked and awed him. Sorry Kody. Just because you used a phrase coined by former President Bush (the elder), you will not be invited to stay at  his Kennebunkport compound.

But being shocked and awed doesn't stop Kody from giving his annual  God Wanted Us to Live in McMansions speech.




Notice how his family have become mesmerized by  the dulcet tones of his voice. Meri does not look amused. She's thinking "Will I ever get to move into my McMansion?"







The Caramel Caper

About a week earlier, Kody announced to his wives that his mother would not be making her Christmas Day caramels. In typical Kody fashion (no doubt scripted by F8F), Kody grandly announces he will hold a contest. The wife who prepares a batch of caramel that tastes most like his mother's, wins. What the wife wins, I have no clue. The wives didn't either, and did not look very happy.
 
Janelle lucked out in that her mother Sheryl was staying with her. Since Sheryl is Kody's mother's sister wife, Janelle figured she had the win for sure. Christine, on the other hand, was working alone. As the more accomplished cook in the family, she went through 5 batches before deciding on the perfect one to present to Kody for his consideration.
 
Robyn and Meri worked as a team. They decided to take the easy way out by going to a shop and buying out their stash of caramels. After smooshing them up to look homemade, they presented their caramels for Kody to taste.
 
Is this sounding a lot like the Goldilocks and the Three Bears?
 
Kody tasted the first batch.
 
Sorry Janelle, but it didn't taste like his mother's.
 
Kody tasted the second batch.
 
Sorry Meri and Robyn. Cheaters never win. Kody could taste the amaretto.
 
Kody tasted the third batch...Ahhhh... this was like his mother's. Congrats Christine! Don't know what you won but I hope you like it!



Meri Finally Gets Her Key (In Pictures )


Good News for Meri! Mona drops by and leaves her the keys to her McMansion!
 
 
 
A happy Meri and Kody drive to Mariah's job to present her with her own key to the McMansion!
 
 
 
A happy Mariah fondles her key while giggling hysterically. I'm not sure if she was genuinely happy to finally get her key, or she was just embarrassed by that thing she had wrapped around her neck. In any event, her boss worked her shift and Mariah was free to go home and celebrate with her mom and dad in their new McMansion.
 
That's all for now!

Saturday, August 17, 2013

Cynical Jinx' Review Sister Wives S06Ep04: Odd Wife Out

Okay, let's ponder something for a minute. Most of the footage for this season was filmed over nine months ago.

We already know the Browns got approved for their mortgage loans, despite Kody's plaintive claims of "We aren't 100% sure we are getting these houses" or Christine saying "...Until you get those keys in your hand, it is still nebulous..."

They MOVED into the houses already. People saw the U-hauls, SWB received pictures showing Meri was the last wife to move.

The only people who were in the dark as to what was going on appears to be those loyal uber fans who friended the now deserted, family friend run "Official" Brown Family fan pages on Facebook. And it's in public records!! Note to Kody: Next time perhaps set up a trust that doesn't have Kody, Brown,  Family, Entertainment in its name to purchase any future real estate if you want to keep it secret.

Like the real celebrities do.

Please, TLC, CUT TO THE DAMN CHASE ALREADY!!!

There. I feel so much better.



Due to the excessive use of flashbacks, confusing editing, ridiculous will they or won't they move in storyline, Meri's crying and Kody's constant presence in practically ALL the scenes, I'm giving this episode 25 Uncle Art Raspies.


This episode was all over the place. The only way I could keep track was by seeing what hat Mona was wearing. Nobody gets a Hyrum this time. Enjoy your awards!



My favorite quote of the episode: Janelle: "Oh my gosh! ...This is so tedious!"

Those words definitely summed up this episode for me. But I have to be thankful we didn't have to sit through yet another discussion about Meri giving her answer about another baby, or the problems with that hobby business known as My Sister Wife's Closet.

But boy, oh boy, the rest of the show sucked ostrich eggs. Big, gooey ones.

Here's a moment I wished had happened:

Mona the Real Estate Lady calls the sisterwives Meri, Christine, Janelle and Robyn together to give them some news.





Mona: All right. Now I want those of you who think you are getting the keys to your house before Christmas to look happy...
 
Mona: Ah...Not so fast, Meri...



That's right. Due to Meri and Kody failure to get their paperwork filed in time, Meri did not  move into her McMansion by Christmas.

Meri is the Odd Wife Out. Karma's a bitch, isn't it?

Funny, but I would bet something else happened that delayed Kody and Meri from getting approved and this storyline about Meri's procrastination and Mariah needing to be in the McMansion like she was being shipped off to live on Mars in 2013 was all a ruse. What's that old saying - If it doesn't jell, it ain't aspic? Well, this ain't jelling.

Some other low lights of this episode:

- Kody "deciding" that he and Janelle would assign the rooms for Janelle's kids in her McMansion.

Funny, he only spends one quarter of his time with her kids but he expects to dictate which rooms they would receive. And what was the deal with his lecture to Gabriel about wars being fought over territory?


Luckily for the kids, Janelle already made the decision  that they  would decide which rooms they would get.

Good job, Janelle, but I still can't give her a Hyrum because... We really didn't need to know that Janelle's and Kody's  bed was worn out. Heck, she's been pregnant 6 times...I'm surprised that bed didn't spontaneously combust years ago.

- Kody's off handed remark when Janelle mentioned her boys were all taller than her, with the exception of Gabriel (her youngest son).

He said "Gabriel will probably never be taller than you". Maybe he was just kidding, but if you ask me (and you didn't) I think from his comments about territory and wars and how his youngest son (besides Solomon) may never be taller than his mother gives a little background to the dynamics going on in Janelle's parental unit. Almost like when he accused Hunter of being a testosterone monster a few years back. Kody is totally clueless. How Kody can call the McMansions "his". For example, when he says "My house with Janelle" or "My house with Christine". But when he talks about his children, it's always Janelle's kids, or Christine's kids. Never "my" kids. And he is not listed on the deeds (except for Meri's).
- Christine's cooking.

How can this woman make celery look unappetizing? And what was that charred stuff in the pan? You know, the one Aspyn "thought" was tiramisu? 

Oh, and what's the deal with celebrating Joseph Smith's birthday again?


 Last Christmas, Christine was denied celebrating her family tradition with Hanukkah being celebrated instead. This year, it's business as usual with not a word about what happened last year.

Which just shows the audience THAT fiasco was all fabricated for the show.  Leave it to the Browns to be willing to sell out their family traditions to make good television (and it really wasn't even that good). Christine once again self flagellating herself for being a bad sister wife. Seriously, if someone has to constantly say how happy they are that they stayed in a relationship, maybe the opposite is true especially when she looks so depressed when saying it. She needs to either leave or shut up and take care of her house and kids.
Turn that frown upside down, Robyn!
-  Robyn telling all the monogamist women in the world they don't know what they are missing by not being a polygamist woman because "...there are blessings that monogamist women will never understand." Well, thanks to Sister Wives, I think the women of the world are relieved to be living in monogamy.

If Kody is an example of the best in polygamist husbands, what do the worse look like?



The episode in pictures:
Those McMansions are HUGE!
Christine working on the Family Mission Statement
Kody telling Robyn (with witnesses) that she's too beautiful to cook
Meri doing what she does best...
Welcome to your McMansion, Janelle!
The Brush Off !!
Truely reading one of her books
Kody's feet are also dirty but he's got socks on...